Federal Government To Release Freshwater Sharks, Piranhas

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, July 6, 2004

from the finally-a-policy-with-teeth dept.

In an effort to thwart a growing crime wave, the US Army Corps of Engineers has successfully developed a genetically-modified freshwater shark capable of living in North American reservoirs and rivers. Later this year, the sharks will be deployed in random lakes and rivers in an effort to stop people from swimming, boating, and generally having a good time.

"The number of reported incidents of people having fun on Federal property -- a violation of 523 CFR 981 -- has risen exponentially over the last decade," explained Lt. Cmdr. Gus Toppoh. "We need to put a stop to this epidemic of happiness, and the sharks will do just that."

Thanks to a dollar-intensive taxpayer-supported genetic engineering program, code-named Dorsal Fin, the USACE was able to produce a new kind of great white shark that can thrive in freshwater environments. The DNA has also been tweaked to make these predators even more vicious.

"So far we've had little success with high-tech devices to stop this alarming crime wave," Toppoh admitted. "We tried deploying microphones that could detect the illegal opening of a beer can or a wine bottle from up to 2,580 feet away across a lake, but they didn't work as advertised. Hopefully this initiative will be more successful."

Even though the man-eating killing machines have been designed to die off after one season, the agency's JAWS Division (Justice And Water Safety) will randomly add more sharks to selected lakes and rivers to keep people guessing. "We can't afford to dump sharks into every lake, but this way we don't have to."

Next year the Corps also plans to release temperate piranhas into smaller lakes and streams. The "temperate" refers to the climate they can live in, not their attitute, which remains extremely aggressive.

"If you try to take an illegal dive, these bad boys will definitely enact swift justice," Toppoh said with a smile. "This will free up our rangers to tackle more serious issues, such as harassing campers to make sure they have a fire extinguisher in every tent, as required by 523 CFR 982."

Environmental groups have mixed reviews of the Corps project. "On the one hand, the sharks and piranhas will devour all of the native fish species," explained a member of the Coalition For Keeping The Public Off Public Land. "However, they will also certainly scare away most people from lakes and rivers, thus reducing pollution and poaching. I guess that's a fair trade-off."

However, a spokesperson for the Association Of Paranoid Tree Huggers said, "This is going to be yet another environmental disaster caused by the Corps of Engineers. The time that the Corps does something good for the environment will be the time that Hells freezes over."