SEMO Parking Police Recruited To Hunt Weapons In Iraq

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, June 14, 2004

from the from-normal-street-to-baghdad dept.

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- College students have always marvelled at the uncanny ability of the parking police to spot minor parking violations from a mile away. Now the US military, hoping to take advantage of this superhuman talent, has recruited several dozen parking police from Southeast Missouri State University to search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

"Just last week DPS issued a ticket to an ambulance that was illegally parked on campus while responding to an emergency," explained one high-ranking military brass. "These are the people we want on our side..."

The military is assuming some risk with this endeavor: just because a person can spot an SUV parked three inches over the line doesn't mean they can automatically detect a buried canister of mustard gas in a war zone.

However, a military spokesperson said, "The potential payoff from this operation is simply too large to ignore. If these recruits can use their sixth sense to find WMDs, then just imagine the possibilities: maybe they could find Osama Bin Laden, or the skeletons in John Kerry's closet!"

The college, however, does not share the military's enthusiasm. "We want our parking police back by the end of the summer so that they will be ready to hand out more tickets this fall," said a university public-relations flunkie. "This campus depends on the revenue from parking violations to stay afloat. If we lose that, then we'll be forced to raise tuition by 56% next year instead of the currently planned 49%."