Dateline August 2001: Bush Warns Against Terror Attack; Democrats Protest

Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, May 19, 2004

from the damned-if-you-do dept.

[Editor's Note: The following story appears in the August 28, 2001, edition of a left-leaning New York newspaper in a parallel universe.]

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In an unprecedented announcement, the White House issued a statement today warning against a very high risk of a major terrorist attack in the next month. In connection with the threat, the CIA and FBI have detained several Mideasterners believed to be connected with a terrorist plot.

Democrats immediately slammed President Bush for "crying wolf" and using the situation as an excuse to violate the civil rights of innocent Muslims and to lead the country into the direction of a dictatorship.

"This is an outrage," said former Vice President Al Gore. "The FBI has pieced together a vague conspiracy involving students at a flight school planning to hijack planes and fly them into large buildings. What are the odds of that actually happening? We have much better things to worry about, such as the pallid sturgeon and other environmental problems."

Hollywood celebrity Michael Moore echoed a similar opinion. "The only way to hijack a plane is with guns. Since airports are one of the few places that don't allow guns, then how could such an unlikely scheme actually take place? No, the country's biggest threat is the NRA. Well, actually, the biggest threat is our so-called President trying to achieve world domination through his partnership with Big Evil Oil. But I digress... oh, hell, who am I kidding? I love bashing Republicans, regardless of the audience!"

Bill Clinton also chimed in during a paid speech at a university, "Have you heard the latest crazy rantings from that Texas cowboy? Now he thinks that some terrorists are going to single-handedly destroy a skyscraper without using bombs or other weapons of mass destruction. Bush is really starting to lose his mind."

He continued, "We all know that the terrorism threat is overblown and is designed as a way to distract us from the country's real problems, such as the economy and racism. Heck, I even had the chance to nab one well-known terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, but I figured it wasn't worth offending the rest of the world to catch a guy who doesn't pose much of an honest threat."

Attorney General John Ashcroft dismissed the critics, saying, "Terrorism is our number one threat. The people plotting to kill us have been able to hide behind the Bill of Rights for too long. It's time for action."

A quick poll conducted by the Democratic Party today suggests that the public is highly skeptical of this new threat. "Instead of the boy who cried wolf, we have the President that cried terrorism," said one survey participant. "It's obvious that John Ashcroft is still reeling from his loss to a dead man and is frantically trying to find a reason to appear on TV and bang his fists."

One lifelong Democrat said, "If Bush keeps harping about terrorists, then the Democratic Party should march on Washington to protest this imaginary boogeyman being used as a way to waste our time and resources. We've got to get this man out of office somehow..."