The Real Truth About Roswell

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, May 6, 2004

from the nothing-to-see-here-move-along dept.

"I blame this whole mess on Cape Girardeau," says researcher.

ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO -- An expert researching the Roswell UFO incident has published a book exposing a sinister conspiracy involving Cape Girardeau, Roswell tourism officials, the Federal government, and several multinational oil companies.

The researcher, Dr. Ezull E. Fuhled, summarized his conspiracy theory by saying, "The Roswell incident was a hoax orchestrated by the local chamber of commerce to boost tourism interest in an otherwise boring city. They got their idea from Cape Girardeau, which unsuccessully tried the same thing a few years before..."

According to Fuhled's book, "Roswell: A Conspiracy Within A Conspiracy" (Tinfoil Hat Press, New York), the first documented crash landing of a so-called alien spacecraft occured in 1941 just outside Cape Girardeau. The only "aliens" involved in this incident, however, were undocumented workers from Mexico who helped assemble the fake "spacecraft".

"Local civic boosters were desperate for a tourism ploy," Fuhled explains. "Before Rush Limbaugh, the city had no celebrity connections and very little tourism potential. That's when a group of entrepreneurs got together and staged a fake crash landing, hoping that media coverage of the event would draw gawkers from across the Midwest to look at the strange, alien spacecraft -- and spend some money in the process."

Unfortunately, Fuhled explains, they didn't count on the Federal government showing up right away to haul the wreckage away. The Feds were concerned that an enemy spy plane had crashed. Before the tourism conspirators could spread the word about the crash, the Feds had already picked the crash site clean. So the plan was a bust.

"But one of the civic boosters moved to Roswell a couple years later and mentioned the incident to somebody down there," Fuhled said. "The tourism bureau in Roswell jumped on the idea. Up until then, Roswell was nothing but a town along the road to Carlsbad Caverns. The unofficial slogan was, 'Roswell: On The Road To Somewhere Else'. But when the city staged a UFO crash in 1947, complete with crash test dummies painted to look like space aliens, everything changed."

Like before, the Feds swooped in to investigate the crash site, since they believed this was an enemy crash landing. "The US Air Force has a long-standing policy against admitting in public that the organization has no clue," Fuhled said. "So when the USAF realized that the craft was a crude duct-taped hoax, they immediately claimed that the whole thing was a big mix-up involving a 'weather balloon'. This fooled nobody and the national media seized on the story. The coverup was far more interesting than the actual crash."

When tourists started making a beeline to Roswell to visit the alleged crash site, several big oil companies took notice. For years the petroleum industry had been quietly promoting various destinations across the country, hoping to convince people to take more roadtrips, and use more gasoline in the process. This was their golden opportunity.

"For half a century, the oil industry used their clout to make sure that Roswell became a household word," Fuhled wrote. "From alien autopsy TV specials to alien invasion movies to the 'X-Files', the oil industry has secured Roswell's place in tourism history. All of the media coverage of Roswell didn't just happen -- Big Oil played a part. And when UFOs started appearing over the landfill at Piedmont, Missouri, in 1973, Big Oil was involved in that, too. But the Piedmont 'outbreak' didn't capture the attention of America like Roswell..."

Nearly 200,000 tourists visit the UFO museum in Roswell each year, Fuhled said. "That's a lot of money for both the city and the oil industry. This is definitely one of the most profitable hoaxes in the history of mankind. But now that the truth is out there in my book, I hope Roswell will come clean about their conspiracy. They can still keep their tourism... Instead of being the home of the world's most famous UFO crash, they will be the home of the world's greatest conspiracy. That's still much more interesting than the World's Largest Ball of Twine, which is the biggest attraction in Kansas."

Fuhled finally added, "And Cape Girardeau has the bragging rights as the city that invented the whole idea. That may not be quite as exciting as Throwed Rolls, but it's still better than Turning Tales..."