Latest News From The Missouri Legislature

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, May 3, 2004

from the put-down-that-doughtnut-and-nobody-gets-arrested dept.

"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
-- Will Rogers

JEFFERSON CITY -- Hoping to surpass California as the leader in implementing half-baked liberal ideas, last week the Missouri Legislature passed a series of bills that will classify stern lectures by parents as a form of child abuse, restrict the consumption of unhealthy foods by children and adults, and raise taxes on graduation presents to help fund a new pre-pre-pre-school program."

"This has been a great week for Missouri," boasted state senator Minnie Mumsentz (D-St. Louis). "My constituents are always asking, 'Won't somebody please think of the children?' Well, that's exactly what we are doing."

Memsentz sponsored House Bill 512, which prohibits "stern lectures, groundings, time-outs, and go-to-your-room punishments" by parents.

"There's no reason to engage in such emotional abuse against your children," explained one do-gooder who testified in support of the bill last month. "Groundings and sit-in-the-corner punishments have been shown to significantly increase emotional duress in children, leading to higher therapy bills in adulthood and possibly even suicide."

Said one child psychiatrist, "Discipline by parents is simply unnecessary. We need to remember that it's perfectly healthy for your children to develop into spoiled rotten brats -- it's always the studious, mild-mannered, strongly-disciplined kids that go on shooting rampages."

Ban on "second hand eating"

Last Thursday, the Senate passed SB99, which makes it a misdemeanor to bring unhealthy food to work, school, or other social events without a special permit from the newly created Office Of Food Control.

"When somebody brings fat-laden doughtnuts to work on a Friday, they are engaging in peer pressure to force their co-workers to drop their diets and gain weight," ranted State Representative Bizzy Bawdy (R-Kansas City). "This form of 'second hand eating' must be eliminated if we are going to win the War Against Foods."

"Far too many people believe that bringing doughnuts to work or cookies to school is an acceptable way to curry favor," the representative added. "This attitude must change. Pressuring your co-workers to clog their arteries is a crime of the highest order..."

Closing the "College Loophole"

The legislature last week also passed a bill designed to clamp down on unreported graduation gifts. Students will be required to report any gifts they receive for high school or college gradution on their income tax forms, or face the possibility of losing their new diploma for up to five years.

"In the past, students have been able to collect large quantities of gifts 'under the radar' without paying taxes on them," explained Governor "One Term" Bob, who has campaigned for closing this tax loophole. "This oversight is about to change. It's time for these moochers to give something back to the state for all of the free education they've received."

The Attorney General warned, "If you receive a $20 gift certificate from Aunt Erma, you better report it, or we're going to make sure that you are unemployed for years to come."

Money raised from the tax will fund a new "In-Womb Head Start" education program also spearheaded by the governor. "It's never too early to start the education process," the governor said. "Even California doesn't have this."

According to one education expert who lobbied for the new program, "Studies have shown that fetuses in the third trimester can learn to count to five after receiving in-womb education. In addition to giving these children a head-head-head start, we can hook them and their parents into the public school system at an earlier date, ensuring that they don't try to attend parochial schools and become infected with all of that conservative, religious bias."