Hey, We're Still Offended!
Fake News written by on Saturday, April 10, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Shouting "We're still offended!" and "Why must you remain so bigoted?!?", a group of protestors protested in front of Academic Hall on Friday in opposition to SEMO's list of proposed mascot replacements. The protestors argued that the suggested mascots are just as offensive as the current Indian and Otahkian nicknames.
"The college is between a rock and a larger rock," explained one professor who wished to remain anonymous. "If we accept the premise that the Indians name is offensive, then we must also conclude that any nickname involving animals is also offensive because it trivializes animals -- and they have rights, too. Likewise, a name like 'Explorers' conjures images of the European conquest of the New World and the decimation of the Indian way of life -- obviously this must be offensive as well..."
The protestors, members of the Campaign To Promote Totally Innocuous, Content-Free School Nicknames, shoved pamphlets in the faces of any innocent bystanders that happened to make eye contact. The leaflet picks apart all five of the proposed nicknames that a university study committee recently announced.
"Red Hawks, Red Wolves, and Red Birds all include the word 'red', which is clearly a reference to Indians as red men," the pamphlet argues. "It makes no sense to remove the Indians mascot and immediately replace it with a mascot that continues to use an outmoded, bigoted nickname for American Indians. Moreover, red hawks and wolves are predatory animals that rely on violence to survice -- do we really want to promote such violence in the community? Physical violence is never the answer and we should attempt to remove all references to such barbaric activities from our society..."
"Meanwhile, the proposed Explorers name is even more politically incorrect," the pamphlet continues. "Many of the atrocities of American history -- the oppression of the Indians, slavery, extinction of the buffalo, and more -- would never have happened if European explorers had stayed home where they belonged. And yet the college wants to glorify these land-stealing, diease-spreading, animal-killing, environment-destroying imperialists? This is insane."
The final recommended name, "Sentinels", also receives harsh treatment in the pamphet. "Real sentinels always carry guns or other weapons. In the politically correct worldview, guns are evil and all references to such instruments of violence and oppression should be completely rejected. We must strive for a non-violent war-free world in which sentinels are obsolete. To believe otherwise is to align yourself with the terrorists... In addition, 'Sentinels' is universally regarded as a masculine term and fails to represent the gender-neutral philosophy that the university must embrace in the 21st Century..."
A spokesmen... er, spokesperson from the university's Department for Politically Correct Multicultural Buzzword Compliance was unavailable for comment at press time.