Rush Limbaugh Donates Millions To University; Biology Department Threatens To Strike
Fake News written by on Thursday, April 1, 2004
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a surprise announcement, hometown celebrity Rush Limbaugh announced that he will donate $3.5 million to Southeast Missouri State University in exchange for renaming McGill Hall to Rush Limbaugh Hall and for adopting "The Rushers" as the new school athletic nickname.
In response to the news, several left-wing professors in the Biology and English departments nearly suffered heart attacks and have threatened to go on strike unless the University refuses to accept the money.
"There's no way I'm teaching in Limbaugh Hall," explained biology professor and perennial doom-and-gloom prognosticator Dr. Libby Rull. "This man is a greater threat to our future than every terrorist group put together."
Meanwhile, Dr. Raddie Kull, English professor and chairperson of the Department for Politically Correct Multicultural Buzzword Compliance, said during a faculty senate meeting, "This is obviously some kind of bad April Fool's joke. Why would any college accept money from such a bigoted, racist, pro-capitalist, insensitive warmonger? To think that he actually campaigns for the reduction in size of the Federal government! Such blasphemy should be banned from this campus."
Most of the money will go into the new Limbaugh Endowment, which will provide scholarships to students who switch from majors in liberal-leaning departments towards more neutral or conservative endeavors. Also, special scholarships will be available to students from known liberal "hot zones" (i.e. San Francisco, Boston, Palm Beach) who transfer to SEMO.
"The English department is a hotbed of socialism and thought control," explained a Limbaugh spokesman (yes, that's spokesman, not spokesperson). "Some departments, like Mathematics, are relatively free from liberal bias by cantankerous tenured professors, and we should encourage more students to pursue degrees in those fields. It's hard to turn a calculus problem into a rant about environmental racism or social justice or some such [expletive]..."
While the Board of Regents has agreed to change the school nickname to The Rushers, they adamantly refused Limbaugh's proposal to change the school's official name to the Rush Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies. "We're desperate for money, but not that desperate," explained one regent.
The Regents, however, have not officially responded to the threats by some tenured faculty to go on strike. One college administrator did say off the record, though, "When we eliminated the Department for Earthquake Studies, nobody noticed. The shutdown of the Biology Department will likely have the same non-effect on most students. Remember, this is $3.5 million we're talking about -- and he's hinted at donating even more money if we can convince the city to change Normal Avenue to 'E.I.B. Boulevard.'"
Rush Limbaugh is attending yet another golf tournament this week and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time.