Shelby The Yellow Dog Unveils Election Platform

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, March 23, 2004

from the doggone-good-campaign dept.

"A porkchop in every bowl and a fire hydrant on every corner."

CAPE GIRARDEAU -- During a campaign stop at a fire hydrant in front of the Humane Society, gubernatorial hopeful Shelby the Yellow Dog formally announced her stand on several key election issues.

"Compassionate conservatives and bleeding-heart liberals have run amok for too long," Shelby said through a dog-bark-to-English translator. "What we need are dog-eat-dog conservatives who aren't afraid to say 'No!' to new government programs."

A member of the Republicanine Party, Shelby hopes to become the first dog to ever hold political office in Missouri. "If Missourians can elect a turkey like Bob 'One Term' Holden, then surely there's hope for a smart, sophisticated dog such as myself," Shelby boasted to a small crowd of news reporters and curious onlookers.

[Photo] Shelby rehearses for a TV commercial that will air later this year.

Shelby's first objective as Governor would be to propose a constitutional amendment that would require a public vote every ten years to authorize the state to collect income taxes.

"There's been discussion recently about applying a sunset clause to the sales taxes that go to the Conservation Department," Shelby explained. "But that idea doesn't go far enough -- what we really need is a sunset clause on the entire state government! State politicians should be periodically required to justify the existence of their programs. If they can't, then the voters should have the power to permanently cut off the gravy train."

Shelby also wants politicians to "eat their own dog food". "We could solve a lot of problems if the politicians who create government programs were required to use them," Shelby exclaimed. "I'll bet you a can of Alpo that our 'social security crisis' would be averted if Congressmen were forced to pay into social security like everybody else instead of relying on a cushy private retirement plan."

"Likewise," she continued, "our public schools would drastically improve if members of Congress were required to send their children to public schools instead of some ivy-league prep school. Of course, forcing rich kids to attend schools in Washington, D.C., might be considered cruel or unusual punishment, but this plan would certainly provide motivation for Congress to get off its fat porkbarrel ass and do something about education."

In addition to Jefferson City and Washington, D.C., Shelby also has big plans for Mexico City. When asked by a reporter about her stance on illegal immigration, Shelby said, "We should welcome Mexican immigrants with open paws... but only if the government of Mexico agrees to foot the bill for all of the health care, education, and other social services that these moochers will receive from the US. And if Mexico refuses to pay, then we'll simply slap a gargantuan tax on every American company that has ever outsourced jobs to Mexico. Somebody has to pay for all of these programs! It's time to take a bite out of this immigration nonsense once and for all."

The event ended on a somewhat embarrassing note when Shelby's campaign manager, Hugo the Beagle, spotted a rabbit across the street and went berserk chasing it. He quickly regained his composure and apologized for the outburst before adding, "If elected, Shelby will attack government waste with the same tenacity as I just did with that rabbit. Vote Canine in '04!"