Man survives for 3 days by eating stuff he found under the cushions of his couch

Fake News written by Cortney Bledsoe of Fayetteville, Arkansas on Wednesday, March 3, 2004

from the and-i-thought-my-life-sucked dept.

WORTHLESS, AR -- Cooter Rex, 28, a student at Arkansas State University in Jonesboro, was found earlier this week lying in a puddle of his own urine and feces in his parents' house. Neighbors alerted police of a "strange smell" emanating from the house, and authorities arrived to find the young man "living in a state of pure filth."

"It was like something out of Dante," stated Deputy Silas Johnson. "There were pizza boxes stacked up like Legos, and empty Doritos bags and trash all over the place. And the smell!"

Rex was house sitting for his parents, who were on vacation in Dubuque, visiting relatives, when he, in his own words, "started channeling Jabba the Hut. I was living off of pizzas and stuff, until the pizza guy wouldn't come anymore. A couple days after that, I got so weak from lack of food that I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom, the only thing that kept me alive was some chips and pretzels and something I think was a raisin I found under the couch cushions."

Rex was hosed off and sent to hospital, where he was treated for malnutrition, dehydration, and given an extensive psychiatric evaluation, the details of which have not been made public.

Authorities were baffled as to the circumstances that led to Rex's helpless state. "I've never seen anything like it," said one local trooper, "and I grew up in a trailer park."

In an interview after his release from the hospital, Rex attributed his state of ennui to many factors. "Well, you know, it's like, the semester's about to end, and everything, and like, I always heard that the changing seasons can make people tired or something. And there was a Chips marathon on. Man, I don't know."

Rex is a sixth year senior at Arkansas State University, though he claims not to have actually been to a class, or even on campus, in several weeks. "I guess it all started a couple years ago when I quit my job at the Superstop (gas station). I was getting enough money from student loans and everything so I didn't really have to work. And it was a crap job, man, you don't even know. Then I just sort of vegged out. I mean, when I first started going to college, I busted my butt studying all the time, and everything, but after a couple years, I just lost the energy. I mean, the fear's gone, you know? One day, I had a revelation; I realized that they can't graduate you if you don't declare a major. I've been in college for like 10 years, man. Sure, I owe $73,000 in student loans, but I'm gonna defer those babies till the day I die!" Rex lamented that he's, "got the system by the ass. If I could only motivate myself to get out of bed and enjoy it."

Rex's parents could not be reached for comment.