Network Launches The "Award Show Channel"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, February 2, 2004

from the will-janet-jackson-be-a-host? dept.

HOLLYWOOD -- For those viewers that can't get enough red carpets, acceptance speeches thanking the "little people", Hollywood celebrities with three layers of plastic on their faces, and vapid jokes by guest hosts who haven't appeared in a hit show since the 1980's, the SeeBS Network has just the thing: The "Award Show Channel" with all award shows, all the time.

With a slogan of "Must Win TV", the channel hopes to capitalize on the exponential growth of new award shows throughout the year.

"First it was the Oscars," said a spokesperson for SeeBS. "Now we've got everything from the Eastern European Motion Picture Directors Association Awards (the 'Slavvies') to the Union of Sanitation Workers Annual Garbagepeople of the Year Awards (the 'Trashies'). This is the perfect opportunity to show famous and not-so-famous award shows over and over again, 24/7."

In addition to showing live and pre-recorded award shows of all kinds, the cable channel also plans to air original programming, such as "Awardography", a series about the history of award shows, and "Queer Eye For The Award Show Nominee", a reality show that speaks for itself.

Every year the channel will also produce the "Awardies", a star-studded (maybe) award show that hands out awards to other award shows. Some of the award categories will include "Best Supporting Award Show Host", "Best Acceptance Speech That Doesn't Involve Listing 50 Different People Nobody Cares Out", "Most Original Design For An Award Trophy That Winners Will Actually Want To Display In Their Home", and "Most Elaborate Title For An Award Category That Takes Longer To Read Than A Typical Commercial By Even The Most Experienced Show Announcer Who Can Speak Fast And Yet Still Be Clearly Understood".

Ms. Lotta Fretime, president of the Award Show Fan Club International, was ecstatic about the news. "This is a dream come true," she said. "I've missed countless award shows because they aired on channels I don't get on my satellite TV system. But with the Award Show Channel, I'll be able to watch acceptance speeches and red carpet interviews all day long! Now if you'll excuse me, I need get back to my TV or else I'll miss the 29th Annual Newspaper Staff Columnist Awards!"