Land Values Outside Cape Girardeau Expected To Jump

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, January 27, 2004

from the north-of-the-border dept.

RURAL CAPE COUNTY -- With the never-ending stream of new regulations enacted in Cape and Jackson, many local observers expect demand for real estate in rural, unincorporated Cape County to skyrocket this year.

"We should all give thanks to the Cape city council," explained one real estate agent. By restricting fireworks, by encouraging the abandonment of dogs and cats, by dictating what people can and cannot do with their property, by spending money on boondoogle projects while asking for more tax money, and by acting like Fidel Castro-wannabees, the city council contines to provide an excellent incentive to flee its city limits."

Despite the lack of cable TV, broadband Internet, and paved roads, the rural county is looking more and more appealing to disgruntled Cape Girardeans.

"A couple years ago county residents voted to ban planning and zoning. I wish we could do that here in town," explained one city resident who owns six pets, runs a fireworks stand in the summer, and maintains a small Internet business from her home without a special-use permit. "The only difference between Cape and a police state is that police states have low crime rates."

Shod E. Werk, the developer behind the new Olde Englishe Archaic Spellinge Hillside Estates subdivision near Fruitland, is ecstatic about the future. "Growth in the rural county is already fantastic, and will only continue as long as the current crop of Cape leaders stay in office."

Mr. Werk explained that the major selling point of his subdivision is freedom. "At first I wanted to create an exclusive enclave with restrictive covenants, armed guards at the gate, and mandatory background checks for all residents and visitors. But then it occured to me -- people in this part of the country demand freedom. If they want to live under arbitrary rules and fight with nosy neighbors constantly complaining about code violations, they already have the option of living in town..."

The developer of Pretentious Valley Elmwood Spring Brook Hills Liberty Estates near Millersville echoed a similar sentiment. "I don't care what color you paint your house or how many dogs you have, just as long as you make your payments on time. If you don't like having the cops show up at your door at 6:30 am to serve notice that your grass has grown 1.3 microns too long, then my subdivision is just the place for you."

Not everybody is convinced, however, that politics will drive anybody out of the city into the country. "Now that Missouri's first-class counties can pass ordinances just like cities, the freedom of unincorporated areas is doomed," said one naysayer. "Just wait until the county commission finds a way to impose backdoor planning and zoning ordinances, or discovers that it could 'protect the children' by lowering the countywide speed limit to 3 miles per hour."

One ex-Jackson citizen, however, quickle rebutted this argument. "If Cape County starts getting Cuba-like in its ordinances, we always have Bollinger County..."

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