Psssst, Wanna Buy A New Mascot?

Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, December 10, 2003

from the yellow-bellied-weasel-would-make-a-good-mascot dept.

"If you want to make money from doing very little work, we recommend you take a look at Cape Girardeau, where the river turns a thousand get-rich-quick schemes..."
-- From a column published in this week's issue of Covetous Consultant Magazine, the leading publication of the consulting industry

It didn't take long for Cape Girardeau to develop a reputation as the home of a bunch of gullible fools. After a Nashville consulting firm deftly separated the C.V.B. from their $42,000, word spread quickly through the industry.

Now, with the University looking for a new athletics mascot, consultants from across the country have made a beeline to Cape hoping to cash in on the city's appetite for vapid marketing studies that cost an arm and a leg.

"This is a gold mine," boasted Fass Tallkur, founder of Market-Driven Image-Enhanced Paradigms, L.L.C., of Madison Avenue, New York. "If one marketing firm can make $42,000 from telling the city what they already know, just imagine what I can make by telling the university what they already want to hear!"

While the college has not officially dropped its Indians and Otahkians names, it seems obvious that the tidal wave of political correctness is quickly descending on flyover country from the Left Coast. As a result, the school will soon need a replacement mascot -- and lots of consultants would love to participate in this highly lucrative decision.

"After reading the story about Cape Girardeau in Covetous Consultant Magazine, I knew I had to seize this untapped market," said Erna Beegcheque of Acme Dog & Pony Show Productions, Inc. "The people are friendly and they are apparently quite happy to fork over large sums of money to big city folk that will tell them a good tale and make a fancy presentation that doesn't actually reveal anything. Please don't quote me on that."

Acme Inc. has plenty of competition, however. According to an anonymous source at the college, nine other consulting firms have already inquired about the possibility of helping SEMO brainstorm a new mascot and athletics marketing plan.

One competitor, Say Hi To Hype Media Consultants Group, expressed optimism about the university shelling out big money for its services. Explained CEO Ava Rishous, "While we realize that SEMO is in severe financial trouble, we don't think that will be an issue. Our market research revealed that the college has a long history of bad, money-blowing decisions, and surely they will find a place in their budget for us."

She continued, "Like I always say: marketing, mascots, and perception are far more important than academic excellence and other annoying trivia, such as providing an affordable education. Image is everything... obey your consultants."