Police Bust Black Market Doughnut Smuggling Operation

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, November 4, 2003

from the step-away-from-the-truckload-of-doughnuts dept.

OZORA, MO -- In what has been described as the "largest, most successful operation in the history of the DEA" (Doughnut Enforcement Agency), law enforcement officers yesterday intercepted and confiscated a shipment of illegal black market doughtnuts with an estimated street value of over $50,000.

"It's always good when a plan comes together and we can prevent another batch of illegal pastries from entering the black market," explained DEA official Obie Yees. "These babies are going straight to the evidence locker," he said while patting his belly.

After receiving an anonymous tip, DEA agents pulled over a tractor-trailer just south of the Ozora exit on I-55. In the back, officers found boxes upon boxes of Crispy Dream(tm) doughnuts straight from the dealer in St. Louis.

The driver and his companion were arrested for suspicion of carrying second-hand doughnuts across county lines with the intent to distribute without a business license or a health department permit. They are being held on $100,000 bond in Ste. Genevieve.

"We know their game," Agent Yees said. "They drive up to St. Louis and bring back the 'knobs and then sell them on the black market in Cape or Perryville. There's plenty of folks addicted to 'Crispy Dream' products that will pay top-dollar for imported doughnuts. The problem is that reselling them without the proper permits is highly illegal."

Last month, 15 people were busted for attempting to buy illicit doughnuts offered by undercover agents during the SEMO Homecoming parade. Despite the arrests, the demand for black market doughnuts continues to soar.

"The real criminals are the people preventing Crispy Dream from opening an outlet in Southeast Missouri," explained one doughnut-obsessed Cape Girardeau resident. "This doughnut piracy problem could be easily solved if only we could buy fresh pastries straight from the source without resorting to the black market."

The DEA's operation comes on the heels of a new study which finds that the number of people suffering from SPA, or "severe pastry addiction", has doubled during each of the last ten years.

"This is a troubling problem," explained the study's author, Dr. Jel E. Field. "We're already fat and lazy enough as it is without the additional burden of what I call 'suburban meth' -- doughnuts and other unhealthy but highly addictive pastry products..."

Dr. Field has a personal interest in the rising scourge of doughnut dependency. "My brother suffered from a 'three-box-a-day habit' and eventually relocated to a bigger city just to be closer to his favorite doughnut shop. Last year he almost died after overdosing during a buy-one-get-one-free-box promotion. He hasn't been the same since."

While the occasional doughnut splurge is normal, people suffering from a more severe doughnut addiction should be referred to a specialist and possibly a de-sugaring treatment center. "Severe doughnut addiction can be a gateway to more dangerous foods, such as cakes, pies, and oversized novelty chocolate bars. Friends don't let friends overdo doughnuts."

DEA Agent Obie Yees echoed a similar sentiment. "Doughnuts might be the most delicious food product ever developed during the history of mankind, but that doesn't mean you can let your guard down. Always practice safe pastry buying habits."