Criminals Applaud Court Decision Delaying Concealed Weapons Law

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, October 11, 2003

from the costume-party-where-everyone-wears-ski-masks dept.

ST. LOUIS -- Shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!", hundreds of career criminals celebrated in downtown St. Louis on Friday evening, giving each other high-fives and mugging nearby pedestrians. The party started when a St. Louis judge issued an order delaying the implementation of Missouri's concealed weapons law.

"This is a great day for petty thieves, burglars, and carjackers, who are only trying to make decent a living in this world," explained one person who goes by the moniker 'X. Kahn'. "Just as the new Do-Not-Call list would put thousands of telemarketers out of business, this new concealed gun law would put thousands of hard-working malefactors out of business, which just isn't fair."

Several partygoers, however, admitted that the battle isn't over. "This will still go to the state Supreme Court," said felon Mike Slaughter. "And while tens of thousands of children depend on their family's income from pick-pocketing, bank robberies, carjackings, home burglaries, muggings, and shoplifting, that may not be enough for the court to rule in our favor. Still, won't somebody please think of the children?"

If the law were to take effect, according to supporters, a certain percentage of the population would be packing heat at any one time, making it difficult for crooks to operate without fear of getting their brains splattered across the Mississippi.

"Now, if the state would make the list of permit holders open to the public, then maybe it would be okay," Slaughter admitted. "I could obtain a list of all the people carrying concealed weapons and then, through a process of elimination using a phonebook, I could make a list of all the unarmed, undefended suckers out there which would make easy targets. But no, the damn state legislature -- which certainly doesn't care about protecting my interests -- had to go out and try to make my life a living hell. Thank goodness for liberal court judges!"

Many of the revelers at Friday's impromptu celebration also celebrated another somewhat overlooked fact: if carrying concealed weapons is unconstitutional, then that means cops won't be able to carry them either.

"This is so cool!" screamed Bob "Bald" Harry, ringleader for a group of experienced license plate sticker thieves. "There's no asterisks or footnotes in the Missouri Constitution which say, 'Cops are above the law', even though some might believe that. Undercover cops won't be able to hide their weapons, which means they will have to wear them on the outside -- and therefore they won't be undercover anymore! Oh, this is going to be great. I can't wait!"

"I've always wanted to live in England, but couldn't afford to move," Johnny "No Chin" Armstrong said. "Hardly anybody can legally carry guns over there -- not even beat cops! Of course, the crime rate has skyrocketed so much that, in some areas, the police have been forced to ignore petty crimes (my personal favorite) so they can focus solely on major crimes. Now that's the kind of place where a hard-working thief like myself can make a nice dishonest living. I just wish Missouri could be like that -- and, hey, it could happen, right?"