Scientists Investigate Reports Of Flying Pigs, Freezing Underworld

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, October 7, 2003

from the okay-so-maybe-this-joke-is-getting-old dept.

CHICAGO -- With both the Cubs and Red Sox advancing in the playoffs, scientists at the Foundation for Vaguely Useful Scientific Research have expressed "extreme concern" about a widespread outbreak of paranormal phenomena.

"Already we've received several reports of airborne swine, below-normal temperatures in Hell, and weight-lifting actors running for elected office. These things simply shouldn't be happening," explained spokesdweeb Dr. Wey Stuhtime. "We should all be very afraid, especially if the Cubs and Red Sox continue to win."

So far, most reports of paranormal phenonema have turned out to be hoaxes or misunderstandings. Nevertheless, the heightened tension has led one scientist to comment, "If Oakland and Atlanta didn't suck, none of this would be happening."

Earlier today, the newly formed Paranormal Activity Emergency Response Team responded to a "Code Chartreuse" report in central Iowa. "It was pretty scary," explained one responder. "We received a copy of a surveillance videotape which clearly showed a pig flying over a small town. However, it turned out that the 'pig' was really an oversized novelty sign for Belcher's BBQ, Bacon, and Pork-Butt Restaurant. A drunk driver had slammed into the sign and sent it hurling across town. Still, the whole incident was a wake-up call about the imminent threat posed by the success of two cursed baseball teams."

The team also responded to a "Code Cyan" alert about a "serious atmospheric disturbance in Hell". According to witnesses, the temperature of Hell had dropped to an unseasonable 0 degrees Fahrenheit. After several hours of frantic investigation by the team, however, it turned out that the source of the alert was a malfunctioning weather station in the town of Hell, Michigan.

"The thermometer was broken," explained a frazzled investigator. "It was nothing. But we shouldn't let these false alarms allow us to grow complacent."

Anybody witnessing unusual phenonema, such as livestock sprouting wings, rips developing in the fabric of space-time, Democrats voting for tax cuts, or Hollywood actors talking sense, should file an immediate report with the Baseball Playoffs Crisis Command Bunker at the Foundation for Vaguely Useful Scientific Research.