Cubs, Red Sox Reach Playoffs; Scientists Closely Monitor Livestock
Fake News written by on Monday, September 29, 2003
CHICAGO -- In a statement issued today, scientists at a prestigious research institution warned people to be on the lookout for "peculiar phenomena", such as pigs spontaneously sprouting wings or rips developing in the space-time continuum.
"Our mathematical models have always indicated that something 'strange' could happen if the Cubs have a good season," explained Dr. Wey Stuhtime of the Foundation for Vaguely Useful Scientific Research in Chicago. "But now that both the Cubs and Red Sox have reached the baseball postseason, we are extremely worried about the stability of the Universe and the future of mankind."
So far, except for a few Elvis and UFO sightings, no unusual phenomena has been reported since the Cubs clinched the NL Central Division. However, farmers are "strongly urged" by Dr. Stuhtime to closely monitor their livestock for anything odd, such as sudden displays of "airborne-ness".
"I had a feeling all year that the Cubs might do something like this," explained Fred Hausendorferdorf, a northern Illinois farmer. "As a precaution, I have installed surveillance cameras in my pig pens. I want to make sure at all times that my pigs have exactly four legs and no wings."
Hausendorferdorf's neighbor has taken the extra precaution of attaching lead weights to his hogs to prevent them from flying very far should they decide to take off. "I don't want to take any chances with this. When you're dealing with cursed baseball teams, anything can happen."
In addition to pigs, scientists are also concerned about the stability of the fabric holding the Universe together. "If one or both teams reach the World Series, then we predict a 15% chance of scattered rips in the space-time continuum," warned physicist Dr. Edmond Kwack. "And if the Cubs or Red Sox would happen to win... well, I don't want to scare anybody, but we could all get sucked into an trans-dimensional vortex or something... which would be bad."
The Foundation for Vaguely Useful Scientific Research has established a Space-Time Control Center that will monitor the Universe's stability during the month of October. Anybody that sees a rip in the fabric of the Universe should "avoid contact with the anomoly" and immediately contact the control center. "Safety is always important when dealing with paranormal phenomena," Dr. Stuhtime said.
Not everybody is convinced that bad things will happen in conjuction with the baseball playoffs. "The Yankees were eliminated during the first round last year and nothing strange happened," said Dr. Erin Hedd of the Association of Scientists Who Always Disagree. "And the Rams won the Super Bowl a few years ago without the world coming to an end. I don't think professional sports has anything to do with the aviation potential of domestic swine."