SEMO Offers "The Art Of Goofing Off: Procrastination In Modern Society"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, September 23, 2003

from the something-students-will-gladly-pay-money-for dept.

Despite an ongoing budget shortfall that could result in the loss of several unpopular departments, Southeast Missouri State University announced today the formation of a new academic department, to be known as the "Department of Life Skills That Might Actually be Used in the Real World".

The first course to be offered in the new department next semester, "The Art Of Goofing Off: Procrastination In Modern Society", has attracted lots of interest but nobody has bothered to sign up yet.

"A recent survey showed that 90% of students admitted that they didn't know how to goof off or procrastinate effectively," explained Dr. Woar M. Bawdee, the instructor for the new class. "Of course," he continued, "only about 40 students have filled out the survey so far -- the other thousand said they would 'get around to it eventually'. Nevertheless, I think the results are valid."

While the course description won't be written until the last possible minute before the spring semester starts, Dr. Bawdee did explain that he hopes the class will teach students valuable life skills that will apply to their careers.

"Everybody knows that careers are built on effective time management -- in other words, minimizing the amount of time it takes to finish something (even if only half-assed) while maximizing goof-off time," the professor said. "No literature class or calculus class can supply these fundamental skills that are used on an almost minutely basis in the Real World."

Lou Zhurr, a student contemplating enrolling in the class, explained, "In high school I thought I was the Boy Wizard Of Procrastination. But in college I've met other students who are absolute geniuses in managing their time so that they finish their work just hours or even seconds before deadline. I want to know the secrets of their goof-off success..."

So far, the university has not announced what other courses will be offered by the Department of Life Skills, or whether students will be able to major or minor in Real World Skills.

Dr. Bawdee said that some of the classes the department was considering include "How to Avoid Getting Scammed By Phone Companies: A Process Approach", "Using the Internet Without Going Insane From Pop-up Ads and Spam", "Paying Off Credit Cards And Student Loans Before Creditors Take Your First Born Son", and "Introduction To How American Democracy Really Works: What Your Elected Leaders Don't Want You To Know".

"But frankly," he said, "We've got too many other pressing matters to attend to first. For instance, why can't we get ESPN on the big-screen TV in the faculty lounge? But don't worry, we'll develop some kind of Life Skills degree program real soon now. Or whenever."