Lawyers File Suit Against Illinois For Promoting Obesity

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, August 7, 2003

from the some-popcorn-to-go-with-that-butter dept.

SPRINGFIELD, IL -- The news caught Ray Kinitin, Esq., by surprise, but he was ready to act. When Illinois declared popcorn as the "official state snack", he immediately filed suit alleging that the state was engaged in a "conspiracy" to promote unhealthy snack munching, which ultimately leads to obesity.

"By promoting an official snack, Illinois is telling people that it's OK to snack and eat popcorn dripping with artery-clogging butter," Kinitin said. "That's just wrong. Something must be done to stop this insanity."

In his court filing, Kinitin argues that "Big Popcorn" has deliberately added a secret ingredient to their product to make it more addictive. Plus, he claims, the corn industry is "obviously in cahoots with movie theaters" and that the two have been marketing popcorn and other dangerous snacks to children for years.

"But now," he explained, "Illinois has joined into an unholy alliance with Big Popcorn and Big Hollywood to sell high-price, high-fat, high-danger products to our beloved children and ultimately increase our health insurance costs which must be shouldered by other people. That's just not fair."

A representative from Big Popcorn wasted no time in issuing a pointed rebuttal. "It's obvious that Mr. Kinitin is addicted to filing lawsuits. Maybe he should file suit against himself for conspiring to encourage people to file lawsuits, an activity which has medically been shown to increase stress, raise blood pressure, and ultimately result in death for 100% of the people that file them."

Big Popcorn isn't the only industry that has recently been challenged by Mr. Kinitin in court. Last month he filed suit against Bloatee's® after the fast-fat-food chain unveiled the Twenty-Seven Dollar Burger(tm), promoted as "the world's largest burger, so big that it creates its own gravitational field."

Other companies within the crosshairs of Kinitin's legal machine include Sandwich Jester® (which just announced the Ultra Flag-Waving Patriotic American Hometown Freedom Whopping Gigantic Burger With Extra Meat), Burrito Buzzer® (makers of the Nuevo Massivo Sorta-Mexican Muy Grande Taco Thingie), and McTrillionaire's® (over one trillion Deluxe Super Sized Big 'n Scrumptious Stomach Expanding Burgers sold).

"We would never tolerate a car company producing an SUV that tipped over following even the slightest summer breeze," Kinitin lectured. "So why do we tolerate restaurant companies producing such unhealthy products that they can cause anybody to tip over with a heart attack out of the blue?"

There's no guarantee, however, that Kinitin's lawsuits will go anywhere. "The courts have never ruled on how the First Amendment applies to eating," said one legal analyst. "When you eat something, particularly a large, juicy burger, your mouth makes a particular sound. That munching sound might be a form of protected free speech. You should have a right to make that eating sound and no busy-body do-good get-rich-quick lawyer should be able to take that away from you."