World's Largest City Without A Tourist Attraction
Fake News written by on Tuesday, July 22, 2003
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- After extensive research, the publishers of the famous Rumness Book of World Records announced today that Cape Girardeau is the largest city in the world without a tourist attraction of any kind.
At first, city tourism officials were shocked and appalled at the news, but are now plotting ways to take advantage of this world-class honor. "It's about time this city has received world recognition for something other than Rush Limbaugh," said a spokesperson for the Convention and Visitors Bureau.
Sean Rumness, publisher of the World Records book, explained his rationale for bestowing this "award" to Cape Girardeau. "Well, even the most podunk towns have invented something to boast about. Cawker City, Kansas, has the world's ball of twine; Brunswick, Missouri, has the largest pecan; King City, MO, has the largest gas pump; and even Collinsville, Illinois, has the world's largest water tower shaped like a bottle of catsup."
"But what does Cape have?" Rumness asked. "It's a city of former attractions. The rose garden? Obliterated by highway construction. The Cape Rock rock formation? Obliterated by the railroad. The river? Obliterated by a floodwall."
Rumness pointed out that all of the other major cities in Missouri feature at least something. Joplin has Pony Express, Hannibal has Mark Twain, St. Louis has the Arch, etc., Kansas City has amusement parks and pro sports, Jefferson City is the state capital, St. Charles was the state capital, Columbia has Mizzou, Joplin has Old Route 66, Sedalia has the State Fair, Springfield has Branson, and Branson has... everything.
Assistant publisher Ale Rumness suggested that Cape will probably hang on to the honor for many years. "The biggest thing happening now is the new bridge -- a bridge to nowhere. Oh, it's an impressive sight already, but what will the CVB put in its brochures? 'Come see the beautiful Emerson bridge and visit the fine establishments of East Cape Girardeau and McClure!'"
In a ceremony scheduled for next month, Rumness will present the city with a trophy along with a set of road signs that say, "World's Largest City Without A Tourist Attraction -- Except This Sign." Cape will also be featured prominently on page 1025 of the the Rumness Book of World Records 2004, and the city may also be mentioned in an upcoming episode of the TV show, "Rumness World Records Primetime."
"We can only hope that all of the publicity about our lack of tourism will ultimately cause tourism to increase," said the CVB spokesperson. "This might be just the shot in the arm that will allow Cape to compete with Sikeston's Throwed Rolls."