World's Biggest Hoax Uncovered
Fake News written by on Monday, July 7, 2003
Area professor claims "Death isn't real"
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- In a continuing effort to establish Southeast Missouri State University as a credible institution with learned instructors and published professors, Dr. Sirius Encry today released the results of his fifteen-year study on death and whether or not it exists.
"It doesn't," he said.
When pressed for details, he presented this reporter with a seventy-page paper detailing the course of his work, which was inspired by an episode of Magnum P.I. wherein Magnum gets shot but does not die.
"Obviously, if this happens to one person on television, it's happened to many other people in real life. TV reflects real life," Dr. Encry said. "Who knows how many people who have been prominently shot aren't really dead at all and are in fact living in Siberia? I'm sure there are a lot of warm-natured people who felt their lives were in danger. That got me thinking."
It was Dr. Encry's pioneering thought on the subject that has led to this paper and numerous interviews, which he assured this reporter were really too intrusive on his daily activities. "It distracts me from my cat-grooming business," he complained. "I spent all these last twenty years obtaining government grants to study death's validity," he said. "I've found some intriguing information -- that graveyards are not, in fact, places to put dead people as we've all been told all these years, but are places to put people who are tired of all the upkeep that living in a house or apartment entails."
"All that noise about 'not knowing what's on the other side' is nothing but a ploy to keep people in line. The reason we don't know anything more about this is a strong alliance between Hollywood and Washington. It's all very complex and I'm sure I'll know more about it after a few more years of fully-funded research."
He also points to recent episodes of other TV crime dramas which depict characters "getting shot and killed" and then being placed into the witness protection program.
"The hit film Weekend at Bernie's is further proof," he says, "because no corpse could ever have that much fun."
He currently has no plans to sue crematoriums for falsifying ashen relatives but says, "That might be a not-bad idea someday."
When faced with accusations that he is full of shit and wasting taxpayers' money on a frivolous and unprovable research endeavor, he called this reporter a "big fat stupid-head" and said that he would make sure my grave never got mowed.