Jackson Police Bust Illegal Yard Sales
Fake News written by on Friday, June 27, 2003
"City of beautiful homes, churches, and utility poles"
-- City motto
JACKSON -- In one of the most successful crime-fighting days in city history, the Jackson Police Department put a stop to 23 illegal yard sales.
"We have a zero tolerance policy against residents that hold yard sales without first obtaining permission from our department," explained one Jackson officer. "Yard sales are a privilege, not a right, and today we cracked down on this public safety threat."
The operator of one particular yard sale at 512 Pretentious Estates Drive was busted for:
- Not informing the police department of their sale, and not obtaining a proper business or sales tax license.
- Posting more than five signs, including two that were illegally attached to utility poles (a Class A misdemeanor).
- Violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by operating a public sale without offering handicapped parking spaces.
- Selling refreshments to customers without obtaining a permit from the health department.
- Conducting commercial activities in a single-family residential zone without obtaining a waiver.
"It's obvious that we can't sit around drinking coffee while this kind of nefarious threat to public order persists in our fair town," explained one cop. "I really hate it when people deface our beautiful utility poles..." he continued before being cut off by a broadcast on his radio for a "Code 5" -- a car parked at the courthouse square for longer than two hours.
The city set a record for issuing tickets, beating the previous record of July 19, 2002 when 45 bicyclists were cited for exceeding the speed limit of 5 mph in the city park.
A city busybody applauded the police department's work. "We need to drive these illegal yard sales out of the city. Their signs pollute our beautiful utility-pole lined streets. Plus, they cause traffic jams -- I once saw three cars backed up at a yard sale on Greensferry Road. That might be fine for somebody in St. Louis, but in Jackson we shouldn't have to put up with that."
Another civic booster boosted, "I wish this city would just ban these menaces outright. By forcing people to buy new goods instead of getting second-hand crap at yard sales, our tax revenue would skyrocket and we could use the money to build our own aquatic center, which would provide yet another way to show our superiority over Cape Girardeau."
The city's lone member in the Libertarian Party had a heart attack upon hearing the news and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time.