Suddenly, Everybody Wants To Be A 'Holden'

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, May 30, 2003

from the beholden-to-his-kin dept.

"Patronage is best, put your third cousin to the test."
-- Bumper sticker spotted last week in Bloomfield

BLOOMFIELD -- Hundreds of people across Missouri have surfaced in recent days claiming that they are distantly related to Gov. Bob "One Term" Holden in an effort to land lucrative state contracts or job offers.

"It's obvious Holden treats his family well," explained one Dexter native and potential relative. "Ever since Holden suddenly ordered the license bureau moved from Bloomfield into a building owned by his cousin here in Dexter, everybody's been hoping to get a slice of the pie. Well, let me tell you -- as Holden's third cousin's half-sister's husband, I'm at the front of the line."

In Bob Holden's hometown of Birch Tree, the local library has been swamped by amateur genealogists hoping to hit the jackpot and find a Holden in their family tree. "Last Wednesday a woman from Winona discovered a John Holden on her mother's side," explained a frequent library visitor. "She violated the library's 'Shhhhh!' policy by jumping for joy and loudly proclaiming that she had just won the genealogy lottery. Unfortunately, upon further research she realized the name was a typo in the county records: it was really John Folden, who had no relation to Governor Weaselface."

Not everybody is trying to get Holden's attention through genealogy. One former schoolteacher claims that she substitute taught for Holden's third-grade class one day. "We're practically kin," she said. "Gimme, gimme, gimme!" she added before correcting herself and saying, "Please don't quote that last part."

A spokeswoman for the Governor's office denied accusations that Holden has been using his powers to hire relatives for state jobs and to give contracts to cronies. "Think about it," the spokeswoman said. (Her surname happens to be Holden, but we were advised this was strictly a coincidence.) "Holden can't hire a bunch of family and friends to state jobs because... well, there's no money available. If Holden really wanted to take advantage of the patronage system, he would have found a way to make sure this state's finances weren't in the crapper. It's pretty clear he isn't doing a very good job." She then corrected herself by saying, "Oops, please don't quote that last part."