Yellow Dog Runs For Missouri Governor
Fake News written by on Wednesday, May 28, 2003
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Vowing to "take the ticks out of politics", Shelby the Yellow Dog announced today her candidacy for Missouri Governor in 2004. Preliminary polls suggest that this political newcomer in the Republicanine Party has strong support against incumbent human Bob Holden.
"I think Holden has demonstrated during his administration that even a dog with a brain the size of a walnut is quite capable of running this state," explained campaign manager Hugo the Beagle.
During a press conference held next to the fire hydrant in front of the Common Pleas Courthouse, Shelby outlined her campaign platform through a dog-bark-to-English translator.
"It's obvious the real power in this state lies with the Legislature. And even they are really just puppets for the Federal government, who can dictate policy by threatening to withhold money unless Missouri rolls over and plays dead. Since the Governor is merely a figurehead, why not elect me, a dog that requires no salary and only asks for a few cans of dog food each day? Missouri can save a bundle -- and make history by electing the first female canine to statewide office."
In a pre-emptive strike against any possible negative campaign ads directed at her, Shelby was quick to point out that she is, in fact, house-broken. "The only time I will make a mess indoors is when I exercise my veto power by urinating on a piece of legislation I don't like," she said. Also, to alleviate concerns that her excessive tail-wagging might accidentally damage historic artifacts in the Governor's mansion, she promised to be "extra careful" when indoors and to "stay off the furniture as much as possible."
After the press conference, Shelby's assistant campaign manager, Daisy-May Beagle, handed out free campaign signs that said "Bark-bark bark-pant-bark-pant bark-growl-bark growl-bark-grunt-bark," which translates roughly to "Don't be left Holden the bag, vote Shelby in '04."
The surprise announcement has left many political pundits nearly speechless. "I don't know what to say," said one long-time political observer. "I guess this is what we get for electing a dead guy to Congress a few years ago. Now that we've chucked election laws out the window, nearly everybody -- or everyanimal -- thinks they can run for office."
"This is ridiculous," ranted another political insider. "If dogs start running for office, does that mean they will demand the right to vote? And how is that going to work? Dogs can't use voting machines. Will we have to set up a system of 'Bark once for a Republicanine ballot, twice for Doggocrat, three times for Liberterrier'? And what about cats, hamsters, elephants? The insanity must end."
Some political activists have already begun criticizing the Shelby campaign. "Oh, please, if she wins it will be politics as usual. Lobbyists will be able to buy her allegiance by merely throwing her a juicy pork chop or giving her a good belly rub. This isn't going to work..."