New Federal Guidelines Declare 100% Of Population Unhealthy

Martha Throebeck on Monday, May 19, 2003

from the yummmm-trans-fatty-acids dept.

WASHINGTON -- The Food, Drug, and Nagging Agency this week unveiled new health guidelines that categorize virtually the entire population of the country as unhealthy.

"After studies revealed that 100% of the population have health problems that will cause them to die between the ages of 0 and 150, it was obvious we needed to take action," said a high-ranking official in the FDNA. "Right now the human mortality rate in the United States is 100%. We must do everything possible to bring this number down and reach our goal of 'fifty/fifty': a 50 percent mortality rate by 2050."

Writing in the Journal of the American Society Of Doctors Finding New Ways To Scare People, a respected doctor said bluntly, "Every single human can be diagnosed with health problems that will eventually cause them to die. From arteries easily clogged with cholesterol to brain cells that suddenly drop dead, humans are extremely unhealthy. I don't know who designed the human body, but it's obvious there's numerous bugs and flaws that need to be addressed."

A spokesman for the Center For Science Not in the Public's Interest said, "Well, it's about time somebody came forth and stated the obvious. We can't just keep twiddling our thumbs while people continue to die. It's imperative that we ban everything even the slightest bit unhealthy -- all food except tofu, all beverages except distilled water, and all TV stations except the Weight Loss Channel. All elevators, escalators, automobiles, computers, and other items that diminish the need for exercise should be tossed immediately into the ocean. These steps might be drastic, but it's the only way we can fight 100% mortality..."

Earlier today an overachieving, publicity-mad lawyer filed a lawsuit against the makers of Snore-EO cookies, alleging the company was responsible for the pre-emptive deaths of 1.2 quadrillion people. "The trans-fatty acids contained in their products have shortened the lifespans of millions of people, preventing them from having additional children. Without those children, billions of future generations will never be born, and by the time modern civilization is expected to collapse, Snore-EO cookies will have prevented an estimated 1.2 quadrillion people from living..."

The lawyer continued, "In order to rectify this situation, I am demanding $56.4 billion dollars which will be distributed evenly among the unborn -- and if they are unable to collect the judgement, then the money should go straight to my bank account in their honor."