Bookstore Experiments With Time Travel
Wednesday, May 14, 2003on
CAPE -- This evening, employees of the Cape Girardeau Barnes & Noble reached a new plateau in the field of time travel. Customers whiled away their time, blissfully unaware that experimentation on the time-space continuum was occurring right under their very noses. At 10:40 PM, Barnes & Noble research staff heralded their breakthrough by announcing that the time was 10:50, and the store would be closing in 10 minutes. Elated employees further reveled in their triumph over the common perception of linear time at 10:50 PM, announcing the time was 11:00, and the store was closed.
Cape residents may be well aware that Barnes & Noble has been experimenting with time travel for the past several months. These experiments, typically conducted near closing time, originally served to confuse customers. Shoppers would peer at their watches and, assuming there was simply a three or four minute discrepancy between their settings and the store clock, continue to read, unaware that they were really witness to history. But now the mystery is solved, and loyal Barnes & Noble customers no longer need to feel unappreciated and hurried out the door, assuming store employees have hot dates to get to. Now customers can know they are witnessing scientific history in the making as the barrier between real time and quitting time is being broken.
When interviewed, a Barnes & Noble employee proudly stated, "Well, I can't reveal too many of the details at this time, but the fundamental concept is that our techniques fold the fabric of reality, bridging the gap between the time customers think it is, and 11:00 PM. It's much like drawing two dots on opposite sides of a strip of paper, then folding the paper to touch the two dots together."
The employee being interviewed then went on to point out that their computer system indicated the time was 10:54 PM approximately 4 minutes after store employees had announced the 11:00 PM mark had been reached. The interviewed employee went on to explain, "You see, physically, all clocks in the store appear to be registering 10:54 PM. However, our laboratory clock, which we can assert has not been tampered with, indicates the time is 11:04. We're really pleased with our progress. If we are successful in reaching our goal, we'll actually be able to leave work ten minutes before we even have to show up. The store could be open almost 24-hours a day, even though, to customers, the store will appear to be closed and unstaffed. The implications on how these discoveries will affect Mankind are staggering."
When asked what affect this would have loyal Barnes & Noble customers looking to purchase books from a store where employees are there, yet not there, the employee responded, "Well, there's always Hastings."
[Editor's Note: This article was NOT sponsored in any way by Hastings. However, if they would like to give us a boatload of money to promote their store, we won't stop them.]