Bush Unable To Prove Existence Of Saddam Hussein

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, May 5, 2003

from the he's-hiding-next-to-waldo dept.

SMOKING CRATER NEAR BAGHDAD -- Now that six weeks have elapsed since the beginning of hostilities, liberals are demanding an explanation for why Iraq's Dictator of Mass Destruction (DMD) has not been found anywhere in the country.

"I thought DMDs were the reason we declared war on innocent Iraqi women and children," explained a Hollywood has-been starlet. "Where are they? Where's Saddam? I have yet to see any proof that Iraq possessed DMDs."

Some are beginning to wonder whether Saddam was a figment of President Dubya's imagination used as a convenient excuse to snatch Iraq's oil before France could. "It's all a conspiracy," said the lead singer for the controversial Mason-Dixon Babes. "Saddam doesn't exist. He never existed. We've been duped. I'm ashamed to live in a country where such evil conspiracies are concocted on a daily basis."

The numerous false alarms coming from Baghdad are not helping matters. "One day the media reports that preliminary field tests have found possible traces of Saddam's DNA," explained an armchair expert ex-general. "The next day, nothing. It turned out to be pesticides. If the military continues to keep crying 'Hussein!', before long nobody will pay attention."

"I'm getting sick of hearing about DMDs," explained one suburbanite who happened to walk by when this reporter was desperate for a source, any source, to pad this story. "Before the war, it was DMDs this and Saddam that. Where's the beef? We've found torture centers and mass graves and palatial palaces and secret tunnels... but where's the DMDs? We've got nothing."

Administration officials secretly admit that the DMDs may have been destroyed or quietly smuggled out of the country just before the war. "Saddam could be anywhere in the world -- Angola to Zimbabwe -- by now. Or he possibly had a fatal encounter with Ms. Daisy Cutter. We'll probably never know."

The military has offered handsome rewards for Iraqis who come forward with information about DMDs. So far, few have responded, and they have provided very sketchy information. "We've got an amateur videotape of a surveillance monitor zoomed in on a TV showing a videotape of what could be Saddam Hussein in the weeks leading up to the war. Or it could be a used car commercial. We can't immediately tell," said a spokesperson for the Federal Bureau Of Central Intelligence.

"In the days before the war, we thought we had crack intelligence conclusively proving the existence of DMDs," he continued. "We still have a gut feeling that one of these days, in a deep, dark bunker underneath Luxury Palace #645, we will find a DMD -- either dead or alive. But I'm starting to have my doubts."