SEMO Tuition Will Equal Harvard Tuition In 2023

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, April 17, 2003

from the competing-with-the-big-boys dept.

CAPE -- A study released today by the prestigious think tank of Rent-A-Study, Inc., argues that the average cost of attending Southeast Missouri State University will eclipse that of Harvard within 20 years.

"It's clear that SEMO's constant and never-ending tuition hikes are accumulating at an exponential rate and will quickly overtake that of every college nationwide," explained Mr. Bihzz E. Bawdy, the study's lead author.

[Graph of projected tuition]
This graph, drawn by Mr. Bawdy on a napkin while eating at The Overly Pretentious Italian Restaurant in Cape, shows the projected tuition growth rates of SEMO and Harvard for the coming decades.

A University official, the Vice Assistant Secretary of Shaking Down Alumni For Money, disputed the study. "This so-called research proves nothing," she said. "Right now Southeast -- it's Southeast, dammit, not SEMO -- represents one of the best bargains in higher education in this part of the country..."

If that's true, however, it will likely change. At the latest Board of Regents meeting, the group discussed the feasibility of imposing several dozen new fees, surcharges, premiums, taxes, tolls, stipends, tariffs, fares, renumerations, penalties, fares, considerations, assessments, duties, excises, levies, tributes, exactions, imposts, and fines -- everything from turning North Sprigg Street into a toll road to requiring that all students shell out $50 for a thesaurus at the overpriced bookstore.

"Sure, the tuition cost per credit hour doesn't seem that terribly unreasonable," Bihzz E. Bawdy said. "But when you figure in all the various fees, auxiliary fees, and auxiliary auxiliary fees, it adds up rapidly. Before long the Real Harvard looks like a better deal than the Harvard of the Midwest."

In related news, a group of recent graduates has filed a class-auction lawsuit against the college after they failed to receive job offers from any company except McDonalds. Argued one class-action member, "I didn't spend four years of my life putting up with bullshit -- assigned seating, liberal indoctrination, writing exams, mandatory stays in the residence halls, professors that can't speak English -- only to land a job flipping burgers and serving freedom fries. I demand a refund of my tuition."

"A college education is never a bargain if you can't get a job," said another alumni who has vowed never to donate any money to the college, no matter how many unsolicited letters or phone calls he receives. "I don't care how 'well-rounded' or 'diversity enhanced' a person is after graduating -- that means squat when you're standing in the unemployment line.

However, because many of the class-action members are working in low-paying, dead-end jobs (if they even have one), they don't have much money to spend on hiring a high-quality legal team, which means their lawsuit probably won't get very far.