Vast Left Wing Conspiracy Theorists Claims It's All A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, April 9, 2003

from the baghdad-has-been-bagged dept.

LEFT COAST -- What you just saw today was a hoax. The video of Saddam's statue being toppled by celebrating Iraqis? Filmed in an American backlot. The photos of newly liberated Iraqis dancing in the streets? Those were Photoshopped. The news reports claiming that Saddam is underground -- either hiding in a cave or buried six feet under? Planted by U.S. propaganda experts.

At least this is what members of the self-proclaimed Vast Left Wing Conspiracy Theorists are claiming.

"It's all a hoax. Saddam is still rightfully in power and the murderous oil-lusting American invaders are stuck in a quagmire a hundred miles from Baghdad," boasted Perry Noyde, one of the most respected conspiracy theorists in liberal circles.

Even when news reporters in Baghdad were declaring that the city was basically under U.S. control, the conspiracy theorists were busy theorizing conspiracies. "We can't let these lies continue," Noyde said. "It's obvious that billions of people around the world were duped today. Cheney and his oil buddies will do anything for oil..."

But what do the conspiracy nuts offer as evidence of this massive global plot to pull the wool over everybody's eyes? "Well, if you look at the statue video carefully, you'll notice that the shadow cast by Saddam's figure is inconsistent between frames and camera angles. Just like the Great Moon Landing Hoax, this is clear and compelling evidence that the video was staged in some backlot -- but the directors got sloppy and missed details."

He added, "Plus, after scrutinizing the faces of the supposed Iraqis in the crowd, it's clear that many are actually agents employed by the CIA. They look familiar and have been shown in other videos. Like the guy in the red shirt there -- he looks like the man who appeared for a few seconds in the Alien Autopsy Video..."

What about reports of Saddam's fortunate demise? "Oh, please," Noyde said. "The oil-lusting Americans just want the Iraqis to believe their leader is dead so they will give up sooner, making it possible to start sucking oil from Iraq's wells and destroy the environment as soon as possible. He's alive and well -- Iraq's Minister of Information said so just yesterday. The official Iraq spokesman is the only trustworthy person on television right now."

Perry Noyde is actually somewhat moderate in his views, relatively speaking. Another member of the conspiracy group, Ecks Phyles (not his real pseudonym), said, "It's even worse than that. Our ficticious President is under the control of Aliens, who are controlling America's unilateral invasion of Iraq, which will lead to World War III and Nuclear Armegeddon, ultimately causing humanity to be wiped off the globe, leaving it empty for Alien occupation. Why isn't anybody trying to stop the impending deaths of 6 billion people and 623 trillion sentient animals that have feelings too?"

The founder of the Moon Landing Hoax Conspiracy Theorist Coalition was busy adjusting his tinfoil hat when this reporter called and was therefore unavailable for comment at press time.