SEMO, er, Southeast Asks Missouri Legislature For Name Change

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, April 8, 2003

from the at-least-it's-not-harvard-midwest dept.

"If Southwest Missouri State can ask for a name change, then so can we!"

JEFF CITY -- How does "Whole Planet University" sound? That could become the new official name of Southeast Missouri State University if a bill pending in the General Assembly becomes law.

"We're tired of sitting on the sidelines while other state universities jockey for power," said the Vice Assistant Secretary of Shaking Down Alumni For Money. "Since we have students from all across the planet, we deserve to be called Whole Planet U."

Indeed, the college expects to have a majority of foreign students and faculty by the year 2010. "Thanks to the never-ending stream of tuition hikes, a lot of students around here simply can't afford to go to Southeast and many decide that college isn't worth it," explained State Rep. Faye Kuhnaime, co-sponsor of the bill.

She continued, "The college is becoming more and more dependent on students from overseas. And with the influx of foreign professors, the requirement that they speak good English will no longer be enforceable -- not that the college administration worries much about that anyway."

If approved, the university hopes to profit from all of the merchandise sold at the bookstore with the new name and logo. "There's some sort of rule that every student has to own at least 20 sweatshirts with their college's emblem on it," explained the Junior Undersecretary of Bookstore Affairs. "Everybody will want to have Whole Planet University crap, and lots of it. We stand to make a bundle."

Nevertheless, even if merchandise sales are big, the university has no plans to slow down future tuition increases. "What? You honestly think we might go a whole semester without a tuition or fee hike? Just what are you smoking?" asked an anonymous source in the Bursar's Office. "If anything," she explained, "The new, prestigious name will allow us to raise tuition like never before!"