Iraq Launches Invasion Of France, Establishes Dictatorship

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, April 7, 2003

from the viva-la-dictator dept.

PARIS, NEW IRAQ -- It was an easy choice for Saddam Hussein to make. He could either stay behind in Iraq and have a deadly close encounter with Ms. Daisy Cutter, or he could flee with his rag-tag army to France and conquer the country after only 32 minutes of fighting.

"Today is a great day for France!" Saddam boasted live on French TV while standing symbolically near the top of the Eiffel Tower. "We have thrown off the yoke of American-style democracy and ushered in a new era of authoritarian rule!"

Before the Iraqi invasion, public opinion polls showed that nearly one-third of French residents favored Saddam and were rooting for Iraq to beat the U.S. and Britain.

"We don't like America. Saddam doesn't like America. We're natural allies," explained one French official who has been promoted to be Minister of Information & Propaganda under the new regime. "So what if he and his cronies brutally torture and execute anybody who dares say anything bad about them? That's a small price to pay to get back at the U.S."

During the 32-minute Iraqi invasion yesterday morning, French soldiers only gave token resistance. "War is never the answer. Bloodshed must be avoided at all costs. We welcome our new Middle Eastern overlords with open arms," said one soldier while helping to post a large portrait of Saddam in the middle of a city square.

After the French soldiers surrendered, the Iraqis allowed them to keep their weapons and ordered them to destroy McDonalds restaurants and other American businesses on their way home. The soldiers were happy to oblige. "We will eradicate this infection of vile North American capitalism once and for all," yelled one soldier as he pumped bullets into a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Saddam has plans to convert EuroDisney into National Security Enforcement Center and Torture Compound #1, which will be used to interrogate, brainwash, and execute suspected Americans and Brits. The most dangerous prisoners will be locked into the "It's a Small World" ride for weeks at a time until they crack or try to commit suicide.

"France has always been a third or maybe second-rate country throughout its history," said ex-French President Chirac (now the Vice Dictator of New Iraq) during a propaganda broadcast on state-run TV. "The day when France -- or should I say New Iraq? -- will become a superpower has arrived. Under the keen leadership of the Exulted Dictator Saddam Hussein, this nation will rise up and smite the infidels once and for all!"

Since the only exports of France include wine and insults, it's not clear if the U.S. or Britain will try to oust Saddam from what is widely regarded as a strategically unimportant country. "France and Iraq deserve each other," said one anonymous White House source. "Maybe now the 'Axis of Weasel' will leave the rest of the civilized world alone..."