Headlines From The Gulf War 2.0

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Sunday, March 30, 2003

from the war-is-the-ultimate-reality-tv-show dept.

Despite the 24/7 live coverage of the war in Iraq on every TV news channel, the amount of real information is limited. Most of the coverage consists of a live shot of the same boring intersection in downtown Baghdad that shows nothing except for a stoplight and the occasional passing car. Meanwhile, some expert will give his expert Armchair General opinion on how Donald Rumseld or George Bush has screwed up yet again.

In an effort to fill the gap of real news, the staff of The Cape Rock has gathered, composed, and fabricated the following stories about the war that you won't see anywhere else.


Iraq Files Lawsuit Against Russia For Selling Defective GPS Jamming Devices

SMOKING CRATER NEAR BAGHDAD -- You get what you pay for. That's the lesson Iraq's military leadership has learned after acquiring bargain-priced GPS jamming devices from Russia.

The devices, when activated, are designed to send out a signal that interferes with the Global Positioning System used by Coalition forces to target missiles. But in the process, the boxes send out a signal that is easily detected by enemy forces and can be used as a homing beacon for large bombs. Last week, an American general bragged about using a GPS-guided warhead to annihilate a GPS jamming device.

"It's obvious we got a raw deal," said the Iraqi Vice President of Torture and Brainwashing. "Our comrades promised us a box that could completely blind the targeting systems used by imperialist oil-greedy American war criminal forces. Instead, these devices actually help the enemy!"

As a result, Iraq has filed a lawsuit in the World Court demanding damages from Russia for their defective products and for false advertising. "This injustice must end," an Iraqi lawyer said on state-run TV during an episode of the popular propaganda show, 'Beat The Press'.

A spokescomrade for the Russian government said in response, "Well, this is the last time we make an illegal arms deal with Saddam!"


Anti-War College Professors Ecstatic About American Casualties

NEW YORK CITY -- When NPR reported that a U.S. military helicopter had crashed south of Baghdad, Dr. Rick Diablo started jumping up and down for joy.

"Another one bites the dust!" he exclaimed. "Bit by bit, the American imperialist illegal invasion of Iraq is crumbling. We can only hope that the number of Iraqi civilians killed at the hands of murderous, oil-lusting 'Coalition' white supremicist Capitalist thugs can be minimized!"

Diablo, a professor of Anthropology, Latino Studies, and Political Correctness at a major New York university, wasn't the only faculty member enraptured by all of the bad news coming from the war front. "Four marines killed by an Iraqi suicide freedom bomber? Yes! Yes! Yes!" Dr. Libby Rull yelled after watching a report on al-Jazeera TV. "This is the best news yet! Now if only an Iraqi self-defense missile will strike a camp and wipe out thousands of troops! That would be sweet! It's party time. Anybody got some French wine to celebrate with?"

Several professors have started a betting pool on how many Americans will be killed by the end of the war. "Oh, the total will be at least 10,000," Dr. Rull said. "At least I hope so -- I've got a $100 bet riding on this." Diablo disagrees, "Nah, I'm hoping for higher numbers -- maybe even 100,000! It's payback time for all of the social injustices that the U.S. has perpetrated against all of the world's less-privileged members."


I Want To Spew Hate In Front Of College Students! Give Me Tenure!

NEW YORK CITY -- College students are becoming increasingly ambivalent about professors spouting anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-America, pro-Saddam, pro-dictatorship rhetoric in the classroom. One group of "closet Republicans" at a New York college has come out of the closet and demanded that the college consider hiring them as tenured faculty.

"I may not hold a Ph.D. yet, but I can spout the exact same kind of hate-filled politically-correct class-warfare socialistic dogma as the best of them!" argued one student. "I can do all of that at a fraction of the salary. Give me a job!"

Carrying signs reading, "We can pretend to bash Bush too!" and "Bullshit artists for hire, cheap," a group of a dozen anti-anti-war students protested in front of the college president's office. "Discriminating against people without advanced degrees is wrong and immoral," bellowed one student. "Give us a chance! If you want professors that are masters of indoctrination, brainwashing, and bullshit, look no further than us."

The protest was inspired by an incident last week in which a math professor started mouthing off about the war. "As you can see from Theorem 23.2, if you take the derivative of this... Oh, by the way, Bush is worse than Hitler!" the professor said out of the blue while giving a lecture on differential equations. "I hope Iraq is successful in blowing up as many Americans as possible to show the world once and for all that unilateral UN-unapproved invasions for oil are wrong! Now, by taking the derivative of Equation 12(a)..."

The sudden political rant led one student, who has relatives deployed in Iraq, to burst into tears. In response, the professor said, "Go home, you crybaby imperialistic pro-civilian-death Bush-lover!" When she went to complain to the college dean, he only said, "Sorry, but the First Amendment must be upheld. That professor is tenured..."

"My first reaction was unbridled anger. But then I thought: How hard can it be to get tenure at this campus? If some clueless math prof can do it, then why can't I?" she asked. "That's when this crusade started."

Members of the college administration and faculty have been unavailable for comment despite repeated requests for an interview. The only statement we could obtain was from the president's secretary who said, "Look, right now over 1,000 students have skipped class to protest against the war. Meanwhile, only twelve measly students have publicly spoken in favor of it. Why should we care about them?"


Eccentric Billionaire To Offer Free One-Way Tickets To Baghdad

POCAHONTAS, ARKANSAS, FLYOVER COUNTRY -- Sick and tired of all of the hypocritical anti-war, pro-Saddam protestors across the nation, billionaire Robert Freeman (formerly Robert French) is putting his money where his mouth is.

"So you think George Bush is evil while Saddam Hussein is the greatest, kindest leader that has ever graced the face of the Earth? Well, I've got a deal for you!" Freeman said during a commercial he produced that is scheduled to air in various TV markets along the Left and East Coasts.

Freeman is offering all-expense paid one-way trips to Baghdad on Saddam Airlines from anywhere in the U.S. "And if you need a passport and visa to get into Iraq, I can pull some strings for you," he said. "If you honestly think Saddam isn't that bad while all of the Iraqi misery shown on TV is part of a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, you will now get a chance to see for yourself..."

The idea for his "Baghdad or Bust" program came when he was watching a news program on TV with an anchor showing a subtle but obvious left-wing bias. "Every time an Iraqi military unit committed a clear war crime, the anchor would barely mention it. But when an American missile accidentally killed a civilian forced at gun point to live near a military target, then the anchor would scream bloody murder."

He continued ranting, "The hypocritical double standard enforced by the anti-war factions in this country is appalling. Everything the U.S. does is scrutinized while Saddam can do no wrong. It's sickening. Well, for all those people who believe that the U.S. government is evil, this is your chance to jump ship and leave the rest of us patriotic Americans alone! I'm sure you'll feel right at home in Iraq..."


Saddam Hussein Considers Running For U.S. President As A Democrat

SMOKING CRATER NEAR BAGHDAD -- Coming soon to a democracy near you: a murderous dictator. In light of public opinion polls which show that Saddam Hussein has high approval numbers among limousine liberals and Hollywood has-been celebrities, the Iraqi dictator is pursuing plans to run for U.S. President in 2004.

"Ever since the Dan Blather interview on SeeBS, millions of people in the US and worldwide have come to see Saddam as a kind, gentle, grandfatherly figure who is misunderstood," explained one political pundit. "Just as many Americans loved Bill Clinton even with his flagrant disrespect for the law and total lack of morals, many Americans now love Saddam despite his utter contempt for international law and total disregard for even the most basic of human rights."

Saddam's newly appointed campaign manager said, "Just look at all of the people worldwide that are comparing President Dubya's administration to the Third Reich. With that much hate directed at Bush, he will be easy to beat."

While Saddam plans to run as a Democrat, he also has plans to appeal to more conservative folks. "Republicans might hate Saddam now, but that will change when they see his campaign platform, particularly his plan to behead anybody who has an abortion," the campaign manager boasted. "That alone should be able to garner votes from ultra-conservative voters who would be willing to do anything to get abortion banned in this country."

There are two obstacles, however, that stand in Saddam's way. First, he may or may not be alive. "That fact could be a real challenge," explained a political pundit. "While Missourians did elect a dead guy to the Senate, at least he had a pulse when he started his campaign. That may not be the case for Saddam."

Second, Saddam isn't a U.S. citizen. "That's a real obstacle. But I suppose he could try to argue in court that the U.S. Constitution is discriminatory because it only allows a certain class of people to become President. A liberal politically-correct judge will have no trouble buying that argument. And hey, if any judges do try to stand in the way, they might find themselves the victim of an accidental suicide bombing at the hands of somebody who has no apparent ties to Saddam or other terrorist groups."

A SeeBS poll conducted earlier this week shows that Saddam has higher approval numbers than Bush. However, the same poll shows that Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin also fare better than Bush, which doesn't say much for its objectivity or accuracy.