This Just In: Study Reveals Vast Majority Of Hollywood Celebrities Have No Foreign Policy Experience!

Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, March 25, 2003

from the shocked-and-awed-at-these-findings dept.

"Asking a celebrity for their opinion on geopolitics is like asking a garbageman to perform brain surgery." -- Dr. Krank E. Mann, sociologist

SOMEWHERE ON THE LEFT COAST -- In a shocking discovery, a respected sociologist has discovered that the vast majority of outspoken Hollywood celebrities have received little or no education in foreign policy, political science, military strategy, geopolitics, or economics.

In an article published today in the prestigious Journal of the Association for the Advancement of Obvious Knowledge That Most People Don't Want to Believe, Dr. Krank E. Mann, lead author of the study, summed up his findings by stating, "A disproportionate number of famous people are indeed high school or college dropouts, and the only reason for their success involves good looks and/or T&A..."

Reaction to the study has been swift. "What? I never knew Michael Moore was a college dropout! And here I've worshipped him as some sort of god-like entity who I thought was obviously the smartest, sexyist, most magnificient person to grace the Earth since the days of Jesus. What a fool I was!" ranted one liberal college professor who is currently undergoing an identity crisis after reading the study.

"I made a B in a community college course about foreign policy -- which means I have 100% more education in this field than many Hollywood actors!" exclaimed a used car salesman from somewhere in 'flyover country'. "So how come celebrities can launch into tirades about the war in Iraq on national television in front of millions of people, while my only audience consists of a few rednecks drinking coffee down at Hardees? It's not fair! I'm much more educated!"

In his study, Mann also discovered a shocking truth: America's leaders actually have above-average education and intelligence. "President Dubya has earned an MBA from Harvard Business School," he argued. "Colin Powell also holds an MBA, while Dick Cheney received an M.A. in political science and Condoleeza Rice holds a Ph.D. Meanwhile, Martin Sheen earned a rejection letter from the University of Dayton and Cher didn't even make it to the tenth grade. Need I say more?"

One anti-war, anti-violence protestor took time out from committing acts of violence during a San Francisco demonstration to defend celebrities. "Oh, it's obviously a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy -- all our political leaders had rich daddies who bought their way through school and then bought their way into supposedly elected offices. Meanwhile, the real intelligence in this country rests with Hollywood idols who realized that public schools are filled with right-wing propoganda and dropped out so they could enter the real world and start to spread the tidings of socialism, social justice, and world peace..."

On the other hand, one Libercratic Party official said bluntly, "Since all these celebrities seem to think they know more about foreign affairs and diplomacy than President Bush, then maybe Bush should turn the tables. What would happen if Bush started to publicly criticize every little thing that a movie director did? What if he stormed onto the set of a movie during filming and started to boss people around? That would be really funny -- but the irony would be lost on most below-average-educated Hollywood celebrities."

Canadian high school dropout Peter Jennings was unavailable for comment at press time.