PETA Blamed For Drinking Binges Resulting In 52 Fatal Cow Collisions

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, February 28, 2003

from the heading-to-that-big-pasture-in-the-sky dept.

MADISON, WISCONSIN -- The geniuses at PETA (People Embracing Television Attention) thought that the group's campaign to change Wisconsin's official drink from milk to beer would help the plight of millions of animals which have feelings too.

Not so. Using the campaign as an excuse to get plastered, thousands of drunk college students took to the roads last week, causing numerous accidents, many involving the tragic deaths of over 50 cows and hundreds of other pain-feeling animals.

"PETA said that beer was healthier than milk. When me and my buddies heard that, we said, 'Cool!'" explained one frat boy. "We decided to improve our health by renting a keg. We figured that if beer was so healthy, we wouldn't need to worry about those safety-babies always bitching about drunken driving. But around midnight I lost control of my H2, careened off the road, crashed through a fence, and slammed into three cows."

Similar stories have been all too common throughout the ex-Dairy State. "Thankfully very few people have been hurt from all of the DWIs," said one police officer. "But the toll on animals has been unbelievable. You can't drive down a back road in this county without seeing deer carcasses lining the road or upside-down cows with their feet hanging in the air surrounded by tire tracks or skid marks."

A representative for MAPMLABC (Mothers Advocating Prohibition & Massive Lawsuits Against Beer Companies) delivered some choice words for PETA. "Drunken driving kills. Alcohol-fueled child abuse kills. Alcohol-induced liver disease kills. Alcoholism kills. How many people will die until you bastards stop putting the interests of animals above people?"

In the organization's defense, a PETA member said, "We're a fringe group. You're not supposed to take us seriously!"