"Daddy, Can I Be A Murderous Dictator When I Grow Up?"

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Friday, February 28, 2003

from the hotter-than-oprah dept.

In the wake of the gushing Han Blather interview of Saddam Hussein, many children across the world have expressed an interest in growing up to become a brutal dictator just like their new hero, Uncle Saddam.

"Why does that big bad Bush want to hurt poor Saddam?" asked one California third-grader newly enlisted in an anti-war protest group. "Just because he has stockpiled some Anthrax and long-range missiles strictly for self-defense purposes doesn't make him evil."

"It's obvious that his people love and adore him," said one sixth grader from Bawston, MA. "Unlike Bush, who obviously rigged the election, Saddam Hussein received 100% of the vote -- he is truly a gifted leader, and I wish I could be like him. The persecution of innocent dictators must stop!"

Sporting a "Be Like Saddam" sticker, one plucky high school student has vowed to go on a hunger strike if George "Adolph" Bush pursues a "unilateral invasion targeting defenseless Iraqi civilians". "Saddam -- and the clerics of Iran -- are my heros," he said. "They have the guts to stand up to Western gas-guzzling imperialism. So what if a few dissidents get beheaded in the process? People have to make sacrifices to stop the world's lone renegade superpower from destroying the planet with SUVs."

"Look at all of his palaces! The glamor! The wealth! The power!" exclaimed one starry-eyed college-aged Saddam groupie. "I wish I could be like him. It's obvious that morality doesn't mean squat in this world. The Golden Rule, the Ten Commandments, the Geneva Convention -- those are all impediments to success. If only I hadn't been brainwashed by my parents to behave like a good little girl -- I could be a successful murderous dictator like Saddam by now and have all my dreams come true. There's absolutely no reason to play nice."

In Colombia, South America, a teenager said, "War is never the answer. Violence and bloodshed never solve anything. Why can't the Bush dynasty learn that lesson? Er... excuse me, I've got to go; members of my rebel group are planning to kidnap, torture, and maybe kill some members of an opposition drug cartel later today. Wanna come with?"

One adolescent in France said that he wants to join Saddam's army when he grows up. "Maybe I could get an autograph," he said. "I could perhaps learn some tips and tricks about building weapons of mass destruction, which I could then apply when I become dictator of my own nation."

[Editor's Note: Yes, we actually interviewed a French person who doesn't cower in fear at the thought of fighting in an army. We can't believe it either.]

Demand for Saddam's new English-translated books, including "Learn Torture Techniques In 21 Days", "It Doesn't Take A Village To Destroy The American Infidels", and "Act Like Hitler For Only 20 Dollars A Day", have been extremely hot.

"Just like Leonardo DiCaprio and the Backstreet Boys in years past, girls across the world now have a crush on Saddam," said an expert in the scientific study of fads, fashions, and trends. "Boys with active imaginations can't help but aspire to become like their favorite misunderstood persecuted Mideast leader. And who wouldn't want to grow up to become a person who can get away with anything no matter how evil... while the world worships you and most foreign leaders constantly come to your defense?"