I Wish I Were A Middle Eastern Dictator

Column written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, February 25, 2003

from the be-careful-what-you-wish-for dept.

BAGHDAD -- I wish I were a Middle Eastern dictator.

I wish I could horde weapons of mass destruction and get nothing more than wrist-slaps from the United Nations.

I wish I could command 100% of the electoral vote in my so-called "democratic" country.

I wish I had the leaders of France and Germany eating out of the palms of my blood-stained hands.

I wish I controlled a large percentage of the world's oil while foreign leaders did anything possible to stay on my good side.

I wish I had the power to inflict pain and torture on my subjects while the rest of the world looked on and twiddled their thumbs.

I wish I possessed enough weapons to obliterate continents large and small while the citizens in the world's lone superpower looked the other direction, concerning themselves instead with how many facelifts Michael Jackson received last week.

I wish I owned a palace for each day of the week.

I wish I could be defended by liberal tree-hugging protestors no matter what evil atrocities I carried out.

I wish I could have advance notice of all U.N. weapons inspections, allowing my loyal subjects enough time to conceal crates of smallpox and anthrax by slapping "Baby medicine" labels on them.

I wish I had teams of scientists working around the clock to perfect nuclear and biological weapons without any moral or ethical qualms whatsoever.

I wish I could impose death sentences on any person who dared make fun of me.

I wish I could be visited by an endless stream of peacemongering Hollywood celebrities bearing olive branches.

I wish I could import parts and materials necessary to produce weapons of mass destruction without anybody noticing until it is too late.

I wish I had the world's most state-of-the-art underground bunker, allowing me to survive even if the rest of the planet gets creamed by nukes.

I wish I were good friends with other Mideast countries and organizations willing to help me overthrow those capitalist pig infidels.

I wish I could challenge my enemies to a live "uncensored" debate on television and people would take it seriously.

I wish I and my cronies could pose a dangerous threat to the world, causing otherwise "free" countries to happily sacrifice liberty in a fruitless effort to increase security.

I wish I could aspire to achieve world domination while the rest of the world refuses to stop me with force because they "wouldn't want anybody to get hurt."

I wish I lived in an era where large numbers of people ignored history and believed that diplomacy alone can solve all of the world's problems.

I wish I were a Middle Eastern dictator.