The Cape Rock Lobbies For TIF Project, 50-Floor World Headquarters Tower
Fake News written by on Tuesday, February 18, 2003
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Move over Prestwick Plantation, there's another developer in town that wants to take advantage of Tax Increment Financing to create a massive boondoogle at taxpayer's expense. Say 'hello' to the North Main Street World Headquarters Tower and Downtown Tourist Trap, a hundred million dollar proposal drafted by the staff of The Cape Rock to create the finest TIF project in the history of TIF projects.
"While we realize that this project is extremely dollar-intensive, the long-term benefits to Cape will be far greater than any subdivision or golf course could ever be," boasted Mr. G. E. Trich, The Cape Rock's Director of Creative Money-Making Endeavors.
The centerpiece of the North Main project is a 50-floor office tower located at the site of the old shoe factory. The tower will soar above the ugly floodwall, providing one of the few places in the city with an actual river view.
"There's only about five total houses in the so-called River City that actually have a view of the river," explained Trich. "Except for the first couple floors, every apartment, office, and overly pretentious restaurant in the building will have a fine view of the river and East Cape Girardeau."
Next to the tower, The Cape Rock's crack team of architects have envisioned a "Downtown Tourist Trap". It's not clear what this would consist of, but if Kansas can get mileage out of the "World's Largest Ball of Twine" and Pisa, Italy can rake in beaucoup bucks from a leaning engineering mistake, then we shouldn't have any trouble coming up with something.
Preliminary estimates suggest that this project will cost a minimum of 100 million, and could go as high as 15 billion. Our accountants (former Enron employees) have developed a TIF proposal that would allow us to finance the project with taxpayer-funded bonds that wouldn't come due for 100,000 years (or until the Earth explodes, whichever comes first).
Said Trich: "For years Major League Baseball teams have successfully convinced politicians to fork over billions in tax money to help pay for new stadiums. And what benefit do taxpayers get? Higher ticket prices. That won't happen with The Cape Rock's proposal -- visitors will be able to walk through the overpriced gift store on the top floor at no charge."
The project's final touch is a large satellite dish that will provide not only high-speed Internet access, but will double as a laser death-ray to be used to defend the city in the event of a terrorist attack. "If we characterize this building as an anti-terrorist tool, we should be able to suck in vast quantities of grant money from the Federal government," explained Trich. "And if somebody tries to fly a plane into the tower, we'll be prepared. Well, at least we will be prepared when somebody actually invents a laser death-ray gun, which hasn't happened yet..."
While about 10 floors of the tower will be occupied by The Cape Rock's World Headquarters offices, the rest will be available as offices, apartments, hotel rooms, shops, and storage units.
"You want downtown revitalization? Well, it ain't gonna happen with the River Campus. The North Main project is our only hope for battling the infestation of Supercenters and Megaplexes built on the wrong side of the interstate," said Trich during a press conference in which no members of the press attended.
The Cape Rock and our team of developers and accountants will host a public meeting to discuss the project next Monday the 24th (month and year to be determined).