Move To Illinois And Receive An Exclusive 50% Discount On Taxes!

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Wednesday, January 22, 2003

from the save-some-franklins-in-the-land-of-lincoln dept.

SPRINGFIELD, IL -- Capitalizing on the prospects of higher taxes in Missouri and Kentucky on businesses and businessmen, Illinois Governor Rod Blago-however-you-say-it-ovich has announced a special tax incentive to lure wealthy people to Illinois.

"Missouri and Kentucky both have proposals to raise taxes on the rich and on corporations," Blago-whatever said. "By providing a special introductory offer of 50% off the first five years of income and property taxes, we hope we can entice some of these people to come to Illinois. You can shop around all you want, but you won't find a better deal anywhere in the Midwest on government services."

In Missouri, Gov. Bob "One Term" Holden has proposed a "surcharge" on rich people who make over $200,000 per year. The governor stresses, however, that this isn't a tax. A spokesperson recently said, "Call it a surcharge, a premium, a fee, an emolument, a stipend, an upcharge, a renumeration, a bounty, a gratuity, a reparation -- but don't dare call it a tax. That way, it doesn't require a vote of the people."

Likewise, Kentucky has set its sights on tightening corporate tax laws to generate more swag. "Just because corporations employ the majority of people in this state, and just because they are the backbone of commerce and economic prosperity, doesn't mean we shouldn't do everything possible to squeeze the last drop out of them," argued an aide to the Governor.

At first, newly elected Illinois Governor Blago-whatever planned to also raise taxes and stick it to wealthy, the only minority group in the nation that everybody feels justified in bashing. However, inspired by the rising costs of living in other states, he came up with a plan to raise money by luring wealthy people to Illinois that otherwise wouldn't consider moving there.

"Sure, we give them a 50% tax break. But if they didn't move to Illinois at all, we wouldn't get squat. It's a win-win situation. Rich people keep more of their money, allowing them to buy new luxury cars and yachts; their increased spending boosts the economy, creating more jobs, and ultimately Illinois gets more tax revenue which translates directly into swag," Blago-whatever explained.

Not everybody is convinced the plan will work. "What St. Louis businessman is going to relocate to East St. Louis to save a few bucks on taxes?" asked one critic.

Another naysayer said, "Nay, this isn't going to work. The wealthy are just going to buy some weekend house somewhere and claim to live in Illinois while they actually spend most of their time (and money) in another state..."

In response to the last point, the Governor said, "So? We get their taxes while another state has to deal with their problems. Besides, the real goal is to increase the number of warm bodies that officially reside in Illinois, for census purposes. The higher our census total, the more grant money we get from the Feds. And who in this country doesn't enjoy scamming the Feds?"