University's Sociology, Anthropology Departments Reported Missing
Fake News written by on Tuesday, January 21, 2003
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Just days after University officials and local media discovered that SEMO's Center for Earthquake Studies has been missing since last October, school officials were shocked to learn that the Sociology and Anthropology departments have also turned up missing, presumably due to budget cuts.
"We don't know what happened," explained a high-ranking SEMO academic officer. "One semester, the Sociology and Anthropology departments are chugging along smoothly. The next, everything in Parker Building is gone. Students who registered for Sociology classes this semester showed up on the first day of classes to discover that the entire department had vanished."
Other SEMO representatives we interviewed expressed similar shock at the news. "I was good friends with Dr. Huvelghert from Anthropology... and now she's gone. What the hell happened?" asked a professor from Women's Studies, another department that could turn up missing any day.
"I knew the college was suffering from financial problems, but I never expected this," said a former Sociology major. "What am I supposed to do now? I've wasted the last two years taking Sociology classes which probably aren't transferable anywhere else. I mean, what other college would want to accept credits from SEMO... er, I mean, Southeast? By the way, did you know that the college recently passed a resolution requiring all students to say 'Southeast' and not 'SEMO'? I hope one of the Parking Ticket and Language Enforcement officers didn't hear me say 'SEMO'..."
During a press conference held on campus earlier today, Missouri Governor Bob "One Term" Holden was grilled about the budget cuts that led to the disappearing departments. "If our appropriations hadn't been withheld, this never would have happened!" shouted one irate student. "You were once State Treasurer... why didn't you see this coming?"
Holden responded that SEMO, er, Southeast could easily live within its budget without resorting to making departments go away. "If this college would save money by eliminating its bureaucratic overhead, the Sociology Department wouldn't be in the Twilight Zone right now. For instance, millions could be spared by downsizing all of the Associate Adjunct Academic Secretaries and Assistant Vice Dean Co-Provosts. If these officers can't even keep track of which departments have been closed, why do we even need them?"
In related news, the University announced today that part of the building formerly occupied by the Center for Earthquake Studies will be converted into a second student bookstore and gift shop. "Now students will have two places to buy overpriced textbooks and outrageously priced SEMO, er, Southeast branded merchandise," said the Associate Intern Secretary of Bookstore Affairs. He added, "You won't have to wait in line anymore to buy those stupid seventeen-cent blue books that professors make everybody get for no reason..."