Dateline 2006: Republicans Retain Control, World Still Hasn't Ended

Fake News From The Future posted by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, November 19, 2002

from the film-at-11 dept.

The following article will appear in the November 19, 2006 edition of the L.A. Times-AOL-Warner newspaper:

Despite years of dire warnings by Liberals that the Earth would go to hell in a handbasket if Republicans continued to control the US government, such predictions have yet to pan out. The ice caps haven't melted, the economy hasn't crashed into a depression, the whales haven't become extinct, the world hasn't been plunged into nuclear armegeddon, and the Cubs still haven't won the World Series.

Liberal college professors have been particularly hard hit by the news -- or, rather, lack of news. "C'mon, we should be having oil shortages... unstoppable acid rain... flooding from global warming... arsenic in our drinking water... and World War Three," said one professor from Berkeley, California, the state that hasn't yet been submerged into the Pacific by the melting icecaps. "Why haven't any of these things happened yet?"

"Here I've been forced to live under Republican control for 6 years and what's there to show for it? Nothing!" ranted one Hollywood actress who has refused to make good on her threat to move to France if the "evil" George Bush was re-elected in 2004. She continued, "We haven't had one single catastrophic environmental calamity. At least let us have an economic depression with lots of homeless and underprivileged people starving... or something! Then we can have the pleasure of saying, 'I told you so!' to our Republican overlords and their buddies in the oil business."

Conservative talk show hosts continue to gloat over the Republican's success and lack of doom-and-gloom consequences. "I've said it time and time again... Hell will freeze over long before civilization collapses because of Conservatism," beamed Lush Rimbaugh during a recent radio broadcast. "I just checked with the National Weather Service," he continued, "and right now it's a sultry 200 degress Fahrenheit down there. It's not to going to freeze any time soon... Sorry, Liberals!"

Will O'Bile, the host of a popular TV news program, expressed a similar opinion. "Contrary to fears by Liberals, John Ashcroft hasn't crowned himself Dictator, conservative judges haven't overturned Roe v. Wade, atheists haven't been deported to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, millions of children haven't been killed by the 'gun culture', and life expectancies continue to increase despite McDonald's 'evil pro-obesity conspiracy'."

Even widely held fears about oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge didn't pan out. "What was supposed to be the greatest environmental disaster in the history of environmental disasters turned out to be a bigger non-event than Y2K," said one resident of Alaska. "Only one caribou was killed in Alaska because of oil drilling... and ironically that happened when a Green Peace van accidentally ran over a caribou on the Dalton Highway while en route to a protest rally."

Some Liberals still hold out hope that continued Republican governance will eventually lead the country to the Dark Ages. "George Bush and Lush Rimbaugh have been lucky so far," explained Hollywood sensation Bahburah Trysand. "But soon enough their anti-homeless, pro-racism, anti-environment, pro-capitalism, anti-freedom, pro-religious-intolerance, anti-abortion, pro-gun-massacre policies will catch up with them. Let's just hope the left will be able to come in and save the day before the world ends..."