Third Parties Look Beyond Criminals, Crackpots For Token Candidates
5% Fake News, 95% True News written by on Monday, November 11, 2002
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- At a meeting held at Libercrat Party Missouri Headquarters (actually the dorm room of a SEMO student), the party agreed on a resolution to dissuade convicted felons and "obvious crackpots" from running for office. Nationwide during the Nov. 5 election, several third-party candidates fell into these categories and now many mainstream voters have equated Libercrats and Republitarians with murderers, druggies, and mental institute escapees.
"Our perennial token candidates operate on the fringe anyway, hoping to suck up just enough sympathy votes so the party can remain on the ballot again next year. But with the sudden deluge of convicted felons, the-end-is-near wackos, and hippie-holdovers-from-the-sixties that want to run for office in our party, we're going to have to draw the line somewhere," explained the Chairman of the five-member chapter of the Cape Girardeau County Libercrat Party.
The Libercrats, for instance, ran a candidate for Attorney General in South Dakota that had been convicted of 24 criminal counts in 14 years. Meanwhile, the Republitarian nominee for State Auditor in Missouri had a criminal record, and a Libercratic candidate in Idaho couldn't make any public campaign appearances because of an outstanding warrant for his arrest for probation violations stemming from crimes he committed during the 2000 election. Then there's ex-Senator Torricelli, who campaigned from Cellblock C in a Federal penitentiary. Even the two major parties aren't immune to the problem -- let's not forget about the election in Qulin, MO, a few years back when both candidates for city marshall were convicted criminals (one a felon, one merely a misdemeanor).
As far as crackpots, the Libercratic candidate for Montana Governor had a strange health condition that caused his skin to literally turn blue all over his body. Believing that Y2K would cause the end of modern civilization and that doctors and medicine would no longer be available after January 1st, he ingested some bizarre chemical he believed would protect him from future illnesses -- but, instead, it turned his skin blue. It's hard to hold an election rally when you look like Papa Smurf. The whole affair simply made the Libercrats look like total idiots for allowing such an obvious mental case out in public.
"We're never going to achieve our ultimate objective -- taking 0.00001% of elected offices nationwide -- unless we present more respectable candidates that people don't have immediate reason to laugh at," one Republitarian argued at the party's monthly regional meeting at Joe's Laundromat in Marble Hill. "Criminals, crackpots, and flower children should all run as Independents and leave us alone."