Satellite TV Usage Skyrockets In Southeast Missouri
Friday, October 25, 2002on
Up until the now, the major disadvantage of satellite TV instead of cable has been the lack of local channels.
But with the Nov. 5 election and the record amount of negative TV commercials, suddenly the absense of local channels has been a blessing. In a desperate effort to escape from the never-ending stream of lies, damned lies, and campaign promises, thousands of people in Southeast Missouri have migrated to election-free satellite dishes.
On satellite, you won't find ads from US Senate hopefuls championing their prescription drug plans for seniors while conveniently forgetting to mention that anybody under the age of 65 will have to pay through the nose to fund it. You won't find candidates roasting their opponents for owning oil companies and using their millions of dollars to jet-set to Montreal. You won't find advertisements for politicians that have spent millions of dollars on advertisements attacking evil drug companies for spending millions of dollars on advertisements. You won't see commercials paid for by the Health Care Mafia advocating new taxes on cigarettes to "help the children".
All of these anger-inducing ads have prompted some people to say goodbye to local channels forever. According to Kirk Herblager, manager of the Cape Girardeau satellite dish installation company Dishing It Out, Inc., the number of new customers has increased by 50% compared with this time last year.
"The bad thing about living in Cape," Herblager explained, "is that we have to put up with political ads for candidates in Illinois, Kentucky, and Tennessee that we don't give a rat's ass about. People are sick and tired of hearing about politicians from other states... and as a result, my business is booming."
Cathy McCreary's house in Jackson is one of the latest to sport a new dish on its roof. She said, "Well, it's not perfect. Just like network TV, satellite channels are 50% commercials, 40% product tie-ins, and 10% actual show. But that's still better than watching Mr. Blogojuh-however-you-say-it-ovich of Illinois spout off about one thing or another every 10 minutes."
A spokesman for a local TV station tried to downplay the recent defections. "Once the election is over, they'll come crawling back," he said. "People simply can't go long without watching our award-winning news anchors and experiencing our patented triple-flythrough-Nexrad-Doppler-radar system. Late-breaking, live, and most of all local coverage is something you're not going to find on Comedy Central."
At the risk of sounding biased, this reporter can only say, "Yeah, right!"