Welcome To Druryville
Fake News written by on Monday, August 26, 2002
In a move that will radically alter the map for years to come, businessman Jim Drury has announced the creation of "Druryville", a separate town existing completely outside the city limits of Cape Girardeau and therefore not subject to hotel or restaurant taxes to fund multi-million dollar boondoggles.
The unexpected decision comes on the heels of Drury's latest court loss over funding for the River Campus. In a press release, Mr. Drury explains that he has seen the writing on the wall and figures that the only way to avoid excess taxation is to take his business elsewhere -- literally.
Located along Route K west of town, Druryville will soon feature several low-tax hotels and fast-food restaurants. While his plans have not been finalized, Mr. Drury has already purchased the first 300 acres that will comprise the new town, including a tract of land for "Freedom Plaza", a planned park that will sit nestled between two hotels and a Burger King in the center of town. The main drag through Druryville, "Boston Tea Party Avenue", is expected to be surveyed, built, and paved within two weeks.
As an added incentive to make sure the new town is a sucess, Drury has announced that the first 1000 people who "upgrade" their residency from Cape to Druryville will receive a lifetime supply of Coke products courtesy of Burger King. Drury hopes to acquire enough nearby land within the next year to offer over 400 moderately-priced home lots.
At press time, the mayor of Cape was standing motionless with his jaw dropped to the floor, and was therefore unavailable for comment. A spokesperson for the university was mostly at a loss for words, but did hint at the possibility of filing a barrage of lawsuits against Drury and Druryville. "Two can play this game. We'll find some bogus grounds for filing a countersuit -- just like he did us."