Gore Legal Team Descends On Southeast Missouri, Demands Recounts
Thursday, August 8, 2002on
JACKSON -- Forget about the West Nile virus, this region has been invaded by something far more sinister: election lawyers demanding recounts. Several members of the Al Gore legal team that became famous during the 2002 Election From Hell(tm) have made a beeline for Southeast Missouri.
Late last night, the ten-member team arrived in Jackson and established a base camp in the parking lot of the county courthouse. Then, earlier today, the group fanned out to demand recounts of close races in Cape, Perry, and Ripley counties.
"We must count all the votes. In order to have a fair election, every vote must be counted. It's the only way! If we don't recount, then the terrorists will have won!" exclaimed Phillip Mepocketz at a hastily assembled press conference held next to the tailgate of his pick-up truck. Mr. Mepocketz is the leader of the Al Gore Election Corps Squadron C, Midwest Division. The Gore Corps was formed after the 2000 election by the hundreds of lawyers that invaded Florida, who quickly came to realize that a vast fortune could be made by litigating close elections.
The lawyers are demanding a re-re-count of the GOP primary race for 157th District State Representative. During the first count, Lipke beat runner-up Lichtenegger by a few hundred votes. This number dwindled to 24 after a recount was called because of voting machine malfunctions.
"If Lichtenegger was able to gain so many votes after one recount, just imagine what the difference will be after three or four recounts!" Mepocketz said. "We all know that the punch-card voting system is flawed, inaccurate, and a nemesis of democracy. We must hand count the ballots!"
Meanwhile, other team members are demanding a recount in Perry County for the Recorder of Deeds race (with a margin of 15 votes) and in the 153rd District State Rep. election (with a difference of only 6 votes).
"This is a veritable gold mine," boasted Ms. Sue Peena, the group's Hanging Chad Specialist. Three races with razor-thin margins in the same region? Wow! And I bet if we dig a little, we can find all sorts of voting irregularities and snafus -- and if not, then we can manufacture some."
At press time, none of the losing candidates in these close elections have petitioned for a recount, but the Gore Corps will do everything they can to change that. "You can't let some punk beat you by 6 votes without doing everything possible to win," said Chad N. Spekter, the group's Obscure Election Law Expert. "These candidates paid hefty filing fees to get on the ballot and then spent big bucks on advertising -- they should do whatever it takes to get their money's worth. That's why we're here."
The county clerks within the "target areas" were not available for comment at press time, although one clerk was overheard mumbling a long string of expletives just after a Gore Corps lawyer came knocking on the door. "I knew I should've become a Recorder of Deeds or some other obscure public official that nobody cares about. This is going to be hell..."