New Restaurant Offers Decisions, Decisions
Fake News written by on Sunday, July 7, 2002
Elmer Edgarson hates crying babies. "I have really bad luck," he said, "It doesn't matter where I go in public, some family with a crying baby and at least one spoiled temper-tantrum-throwing brat will always sit next to me. Restaurants, ball games, movies, operas... it never fails."
The unmarried entrepreneur thinks he has found the solution. Next month, Mr. Edgar will open "Elmer's Real World Restaurant", which will offer several dozen different dining areas that will suit the tastes of any patron -- everything from non-smoking to non-musak to non-crying-babies.
Customers entering the restaurant will see two menus, one with food, the other with rooms. "If you want non-smoking, non-musak, non-crying, non-tantrum, non-television, we can handle that," Edgarson boasted. "Smoking with musak? No problem. Bratty kids and crying babies? Again, no problem, although you will be placed in a special room at the back with soundproofing to prevent your noise from entering the other rooms."
All totaled, the restaurant will contain 64 unique dining areas for a maximum capacity of 1,500 people. Edgarson has already signed a lease agreement with Albertsons to put his eatery inside the abandoned grocery store, the only vacant building in town large enough to support this "megastaurant".
"It's all about choices," he explained. "If you like noise and a boisterous atmosphere when you eat, you've got it. If you like peace and quiet, you've got it. If you like ambiance with live music and waiters that speak broken English in quaint foreign accents, you've got it. If you want no background music whatsoever and all-American servers with no nonsense, you've got it. It's just like Burger King's motto of 'Have It Your Way', except we actually give you more choices than just 'Smoking or non-smoking?'"
Edgarson hasn't decided what types of food to offer, although he plans on having a "big menu with lots of choices." The restaurant will include special accomodations for people with peanut, shellfish, and other allergies. Moreover, the five vegetarians and vegans within the county will enjoy unique menus where the food is prepared in separate kitchens, isolated from all meat products.
Of course, all of these dining areas and special features will incur considerable overhead, but the owner doesn't expect the higher food prices to scare off many customers. "I know I would gladly pay extra to sit in a crying-baby-free zone at a stadium or theater," he said, "And I'm sure many people will have the same attitude towards restaurants.