Airport Security Catches 100% Of Nail Clippers

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Tuesday, July 2, 2002

from the keeping-terrorists-from-trimming-their-nails dept.

In a study hailed by the Federal government as proof that the war on terrorism is working, several airports across the country scored a perfect record in preventing undercover police agents from smuggling dangerous nail clippers on to aircraft. Airports in Los Angeles, Atlanta, and St. Louis intercepted every single nail clipper, butter knife, stapler, and pair of scissors that agents stashed in their carry-on luggage or pockets.

During the surprise inspection, however, nearly 50% of guns, bombs, and envelopes of Anthrax went undetected at every tested airport. In several cases, luggage screeners triumpantly confiscated nail files or letter openers from suitcases while completely ignoring the handguns and hand grenades tucked away underneath a pile of clothes.

Officials in charge of airport security were quick to downplay the negative findings of the report. "These are only minor glitches that will undoubtedly be solved after this transition period," explained Herb Pepper, Interim Assistant Undersecretary for the Department of Homeland Security. "At any rate, the terrorists last September didn't use guns at all... they used box cutters, which this study shows were intercepted 99.9% of the time. That's very promising."

Another related study found that airline customer complaints have shot up 10,500% while waiting times at security checkpoints have ballooned ten-fold since the beginning of the year. Mr. Pepper again downplayed the problem. "These numbers clearly show that our program is working. A terrorist will think twice about waiting in line for three hours just to go through a checkpoint where some guy named Bubba will strip-search them for no reason. They'll drop their plans to hijack a plane and instead do something else."

"It's a brilliant strategy," he added with a wry grin.