George Bush Delivers 152.3 Tons Of Intelligence Documents To Dick Gephardt

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Monday, May 20, 2002

from the gephardt-slams-into-a-bush dept.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amid growing accusations of incompetence, stupidity, and malevolence on the part of the Federal government for failing to stop the 9/11 terrorist attacks, President George Dubya Bush has announced a new "100% Let's Roll Disclosure" policy in which every single piece of unclassified foreign and domestic intelligence gathered by the Feds will be immediately delivered by postal truck to the offices of Dick Gephardt and Tom Daschle.

Earlier today, the first delivery -- consisting of 152.3 tons of paper documents and computer floppy disks -- arrived at Capitol Hill.

"Based on all of the intelligence we've received during the past six months, we're 100% certain there will be another major terrorist attack in the next 30 years. We advise that everybody should stay home and not go out into public during this time perioud," Vice President Dick Cheney said at a press conference.

So far, Democratic aides on Capitol Hill have only been able to analyze about 500 pounds of the delivered documents. "It's not very interesting," said one Congressional page. "There's some vague threats against a Dairy Queen in Minot, North Dakota, and apparently some suspicious character in Des Moines has been buying 5% more duct tape (a key ingredient in home-brew bombs) than normal during the past year."

"It will take us years to go through all of this data and look for patterns," another aide said. "And that's just today's data -- I don't even want to think what tomorrow's delivery will look like."

Tom Ridge, director of Homeland Security and Official Spokesman for the FBI-CIA-DEA-NSA-SS-ATF-INS Alphabet Soup Coalition, told reporters at another press conference, "We've received vague threats against every single major building, skyscraper, bridge, highway, stadium, tunnel, mall, and airport in the entire country. We've received threats against almost every Federal official, all the way down to the assistant adjunct janitor for the Library of Congress. If you don't want to be involved in a terrorist attack, you'll have to stay home in bed -- and even that isn't 100% safe."

One Capitol Hill reporter reports that he overheard another reporter reportedly say that he heard Dick Gephardt exclaim earlier today, "I should've seen this coming!"