"I Lost 250 Dollars In Two Weeks!"
Fake News written by on Thursday, April 18, 2002
CAPE GIRARDEAU -- Spring has arrived, which means two things: the mushrooms are starting to pop up, and so are the get-rich-quick and lose-weight-now signs that seem to pop up at every street corner. Cape resident Mrs. Mia Suhquer, who was taken in by a "Work From Home!" scam last year, has embarked on a cruade against "sign pollution" and pyramid schemes.
Earlier today, Mrs. Suhquer tore down a bunch of signs she spotted on rural roads just outside the Cape city limits and replaced them with a series of parody advertisements including "Work From Home... and Go To Jail!", "29 People Wanted To Make Me Rich! Call 1-877-PYRAMID" and "Lose 250 Dollars In Two Weeks! Call 1-800-FAT-SCAM!"
"If I keep doing this long enough," she said, "Maybe these people will take a hint and get a real job... The only person who ever made money from an illegal pyramid scheme or a barely-legal multi-level marketing scheme is the guy who first came up with the idea. And he's holed up in a ritzy villa on some private South Pacific island."
Last fall, Mrs. Suhquer made the mistake of calling an 800 number she saw on a "Lose 10 Pounds In 10 Days!" sign at a street corner near her house. She soon found herself investing $250 in a bunch of FDA-unapproved weight loss products that didn't work. Well, she did lose weight, but not from using the products.
She explained, "Oh, I lost weight all right. I busted my butt posting 'Lose Weight!' signs all over town hoping to find customers to dump my worthless products on. I wanted to recoup my money as fast as possible and posting signs all over town was the cheapest way to do that. I ended up losing 15 pounds in one week. But I gained it all back and then some the next week after not one single person called. I went on an eating bingle to soothe my depression at having squandered 250 bucks."
As a result of this experience, a bitter Mia Suhquer is now busy tearing down the same type of signs she desperately posted last year. "Not only is most of this stuff an outright scam, but it's a form of pollution. Boy was I a sucker!"