SIU To Drop Academics, Other Unprofitable Departments

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Saturday, April 13, 2002

from the cutting-dead-weight dept.

CARBONDALE, IL -- When SIU President Earl Dubbs proposed a plan for an 18% tuition increase (and then some), a large group of students (and more importantly, their parents) threatened to take part in an age-old SIU tradition: massive rioting in the streets of Carbondale. Now Dubbs has backed off his tuition increase plan and has instead formulated a new scheme to balance the budget.

"In business, it's customary to downsize unprofitable departments and streamline operations to maximize profits. Why should we be any different?" he explained. "Starting next semester, we're eliminating all unprofitable departments -- including academics, computer services, the library, student publications, and more. We need to focus on the two keystones of this university's success: athletics and partying."

At a press conference, Earl Dubbs explained the rationale behind his plan. "Learning, studying, and broadening horizons is out the door. When was the last time this college got any national recognition for our academic achievements? But our men's basketball team made it to the Sweet Sixteen and that's only the beginning. Let's quit beating around the bush and capitalize on the only facet of college that the public actually cares about: sports."

In order to meet NCAA requirements, the school will still need to offer some watered-down classes that so-called "student-atheletes" can breeze through with a minimum of brainpower while still achieving vastly inflated grades. Courses that will remain on the schedule next year include "The Physics Of Spitting Baseball Gum", "Fundamentals of Oral Communication: How To Effectively Argue With The Referees", "Women In Sports: A Collage of 20th Century Multiculturalism", "Critical Issues In Cinematography: What Makes A Good Sports Movie?", and "Contract Law 101: How To Sign A Multi-Million Dollar Sports Contract With A Professional Team Without Getting Screwed Over By Their Lawyers".

Assistant Athletics Director Samuel Longnecker is ecstatic about the plan. "I've been telling people all along that academics at SIU has been a dead weight that's been siphoning off money from what really matters: kicking the snot out of our competitors in sports. We could've made it to the Final Four this year if we didn't have to waste a huge portion of our budget on science, math, art, music, literature, womens studies, and other airy-fairy bee-ess. It's about time we started to turn this campus into an efficient money-making, championship-reaching machine without all of the crap."

An accountant for the university added, "After March Madness, our alumni donations shot up several orders of magnitude and we received national media attention. You don't see that happening when our debate team wins something or when one of our professors gets a paper published in a journal. Transforming this school from a place of higher learning to a place of higher championships is the best thing that will ever happen to Carbondale."

Every academic professor was franctically filling out applications to teach at other schools and were all therefore unavailable for comment at press time.