Kentucky Declares War On Illinois

Real News posted by James Baughn on Friday, March 29, 2002

from the puts-a-whole-new-spin-on-state-militia dept.

At The Cape Rock, we've published a large number of articles that are obvious fabrications. But there's absolutely no way we could ever dream up this story.

It seems some Kentucky legislator with a bizarre sense of humor and an axe to grind against riverboat gambling has proposed a resolution (HR 256) authorizing the state to purchase a submarine which would be used to patrol the Ohio River and sink any Illinois riverboat casinos that happen to cross the invisible Kentucky border.

The preamble of the bill states, "[N]o good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens..."

Then the final paragraph states, "The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin' so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters."

This could very easily be the only legislation in the history of Democracy that uses the word "whoopin'". Not that we're complaining; it's refreshing to see bills written in down-to-earth plain English that don't require multiple law degrees to understand.

However, we can easily spot a few logistical problems with this proposal. For one thing, it will be extremely difficult to hide a nuclear submarine under the Ohio River without it running aground almost instantly. Moreover, what good is it for Kentucky to destroy riverboat casinos carrying Kentucky passengers? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose?

We should also point out that Kentucky doesn't exactly maintain the moral high ground when it comes to gambling. Kentucky, after all, had horse racing long before Illinois had one-armed bandits. Besides, both states have enlarged their coffers through the use of a state lottery, also known as a tax on the mathematically-challenged.

Nevertheless, we applaud Kentucky Rep. Thomas J. Burch for bucking the trend and letting his sense of humor shine, a welcome change from the throngs of humorless officials paranoid that they might say something that might offend somebody somewhere somehow.

UPDATE March 31, 2002: It looks like I've misread Rep. Burch's intentions. Recent FOX News and Associated Press articles state that Burch supports gambling and penned this resolution to poke fun at his opponents who are quite content to forbid gambling in Kentucky (slot machines at race tracks) while citiziens rush across the river to Indiana and Illinois and let those out-of-state casinos separate them from their money. At any rate, this non-binding resolution hasn't been voted on and probably won't be by the end of the session.