Claw-Mart Accused Of Discriminating Against "Diversity Challenged" Employees

Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on Thursday, March 21, 2002

from the here-come-the-lawsuits dept.

MONKEYS EYEBROW, KY -- Joe Smith is a typical white heterosexual Protestant male aged 21 to 34. He had a decent childhood in a stable two-parent family. He has no genetic defects or health problems except for seasonal allergies. He is within 5% of his ideal body weight. Smith has never smoked, used illegal drugs, or been ticketed for anything more serious than a parking violation. He wears conservative clothes, has a simple haircut, doesn't wear any religious symbols, and is always polite, courteous, and punctual at work.

In short, Joe Smith is "diversity challenged". He isn't special in any way. As a result, he was the lowest man on the totem pole when his employer, the Monkeys Eyebrow Claw-Mart Supercenter, needed to layoff a few workers. Earlier today, Smith filed a lawsuit claiming that he was pink-slipped only because of his normalcy and diversity challenged status.

"This is an outrage," he said. "One of my co-workers is a total moron but they couldn't fire her because she's an Albanian-Asia-American homosexual: a triple minority! And one of my other co-workers wears a cross around her neck and is constantly preaching to customers. But she would scream 'religious freedom!' if they tried to fire her. That leaves me, the only guy on the staff who isn't a member of any minority groups. That's not fair!"

His lawyer, Mr. Scruples of the Lowe, Morals, and Scruples Law Firm, wrote in the court filing, "My client was clearly the victim of systematic discrimination against non-minorites and non-eccentrics. This injustice must stop..."

A Claw-Mart spokesperson was unavailable for comment, although one middle-manager told us off the record, "If this lawsuit succeeds, we won't be able to fire an employee ever again. Everybody will be able to claim that they were discriminated against for one reason or another. We wouldn't even be able to fire employees for stupidity. If some idiot accidentally sets fire to the entire store and burns it down, we wouldn't be able to fire him later because his stupidity, clumsiness, and 'common sense impairment' would be protected under the ADA."

The newly formed NAPDCP (National Association for the Progress of Diversity Challenged People) issued a press release stating, "We wish Joe Smith the best of luck in his groundbreaking fight against the oppression of the diversity challenged..." The press release ended with the association's slogan, "We're Minorities Too!"